Please note - in digging these up, we have realized that Ted changed the name from Wiggly Jiggle Poof to Jiggly Wiggle Poof a few weeks later. Why, we don't know... but he was clearly referring to the same person. Here they are, enjoy!
One Homo Helper Blind Vice - June 2006:
Oh gosh, Wiggly Jiggle-Poof is too cute. America loves her. I mean, him. Or do I? Oh, let's back up, shall we? And that's an appropriate segue if there ever was one, because Wiggly--a desperate eager type from Blandsville, Anywhere--got more than just a foot in the door, know what I mean, my jaded jellybeans? Let me be more clear (not exactly my strong suit, I know): Wiggly was helped enormously with his glitzy 'n' glam gig by a certain in-the-closet major Biz player by the name of Burp Behemoth. Yes, sexual favors were included in exchange for W.'s 9-to-5 rise. Just as long as W.J.P. remained available for Burp's pleasures, when he so chose, which actually turned out to be not that often. So, was it all that bad, in the end? Certainly not for Mr. Jiggle. That is, unless more and more boob-tube devotees discover the little deal J.P. made with the Tinseltown devil--with whom many of us are so often tempted to do bidness.
AND IT AIN'T: Mike Myers; Will Smith; Matt LeBlanc
* (Burp Behemoth was suspected to be Merv Griffin.)
One Diva Damming Blind Vice - June 2006:
Hell hath no fury like a homo threatened, that's fer sure.
A few weeks ago I told you all about Jiggly Wiggle-Poof, this queen America is so busy watching be outwardly hetero but inwardly so "show tunes and smart cocktails" it's pathetic. See, Jiggly got his rise to fame via sexual and other transactions with a well-heeled, fellow-closeted homo, a fact Mr. Wiggle-Poof goes to great lengths to hide.
However, over at the Hollywood offering on which Mr. Wiggle-P. performs, there lies another pooftah who's far less caring about his sexuality. Name's Press Prune. In fact, Press could give a Homo Depot clerk's ass if anybody discusses his bedroom habits, just for the record.
This bothers Jiggly enormously. See, Mr. Wiggle-Poof, an ultimately rather small-minded and unimaginative nerd, is so busy imagining the zillions of slights he thinks Mr. Prune is busy concocting against him he's not bothered to notice Press has done activities far worse than J. could dare imagine--as in nothing. Press doesn't give a whit for Poof, one way or the other.
Jiggly, that's who. So much so that Jiggly, frantic and rageful, cried to the guns that control his and Press' shared booby-tubey offering, just to see to it that P2 is punished.
Didn't work. Wonder why?
And it's not: Jamie Foxx, Laurence Fishburne, Anderson Cooper
(*Press Prune was susprected to be Ted Casablanca, but he clearly was a different BV more recently.)
Two Tush Trying Blind Vices - Oct 2006:
That Toothy Tile. He just lives to push the fagola envelope, love that about the young acting hunk! (And I know you do, too.)
Now, quite frankly, T2's latest man-on-man moves far outshine his recent movie choices; though, that's an arguable statement at best—I just don't go fer this hetero image Mr. T. is busy trying to push over on his ever loyal, hapless, ticket-buying fans.
But we'll just leave that li'l bit o' politically incorrect poo-pooing and get straight, as it were, to the attempted wild sex in the back of the limousine, 'kay? Thought you might agree...
Oh, gawd, I am getting old. I'm confusing all these closeted fruits into one big ass-banging aspic! So, sorry. It was Jiggly Wiggle-Poof who pounced—quite stupidly, I might add—on his so-not-gay limo driver while out promoting his supersuccessful boob-tube show in some hick state. And let's just say what went down was not at all what Jiggly had in mind (something bruised, not blushing).
Also, there's hope, I want you all to know, for Mr. Tile's movie career. Dare I say some of his future film projects are looking up, because, uh, how can I put this? T.T. has decided to start sleeping with better-looking people now to get his future projects—is that being too crass about it all?
In other words, for T.T.'s next 40-foot-wide job, Tooth-doll not only seduced the man who would decide the whole-deal shebang (it's sort of a studly adventure story, in so many ways), he now shares cocaine, hotel suites and party favors with the bigwig. Isn't that sweet when one can stay bestest amigos with one's ladder-climbing bed partners?
Warms my jaded-ass heart.
AND IT AIN'T: Danny Bonaduce, Isaiah Washington, Josh Duhamel
One Disgustingly Delirious Blind Vice - Dec 2006:
Oh, that Jiggly Wiggle-Poof sure is a talented girlfriend! Sure enough, just as I winked a few weeks ago, our parking-lot Lothario, Toothy Tile, is becoming sickeningly domesticated with his sweet, if not chastising, b-f, so we can't look to Mr. T. for our naughty-time tuchus terrorizing—at least, not right now. But one can hope, right?
Meantime, the pooftah-outta-control award goes to the hugely untalented Mistah Wiggle-Poof. I mean, if this joker actually put into his career the dastardly effed-up scheming he applies to his loin activities, the dude would have an Emmy in less time than it takes to trim his scrotum so expertly.
Speaking of balls, guess where Jiggly's been putting his little ones? Are you ready for the shocker o' the week? J.W.-P.'s been screwing not just elder, almost homely geezers (no, not me, you bitchy snitchies) but...a woman. Quelle horreur!
Hey, not that there's anything wrong with nooky involving the female sex (I think it's simply adorable, used to do it plenty!), it's just that I happen to be hyperaware Mr. W.-P.'s not inclined that way—at all.
Apparently, said woman who got boffed by J.W.-P. knows it was for appearance's sake, as it were, 'cause when I asked her how J.W.-P.'s performance was, she answered:
"Any good?" I pressed.
"Well, I was," she replied, deadpan. "But I think he kept looking for something between my legs that wasn't there."
Hmmm. Nasty. Did Jiggle think the number to People's editorial office was tucked away in this poor babe's privates?
And It Ain't: Taye Diggs, Josh Duhamel, Jerry O'Connell
*** Update 4/26/09 - Ted says that Ryan Seacrest has never been a blind vice!!! So he can't be this one. Back to guessing.