Saturday, November 15, 2008

One Poochy Pathetic Blind Vice

New BV from Ted yesterday Nov 14 -
Family Guy, Vol. 7
One Poochy Pathetic Blind Vice

We were gonna inform you folks about Mooney Tuna, a TV titan whose return to the boob tube was so explosive he can't keep up with all the money his network's throwing at him to stay put this time. Too bad all that cash can't buy some sex education. M.T.'s former bedmates tell us the dude can't even put on his prophylactics correctly. When you're that rich, guess you really can't do anything by yourself.


So predictable, just like the following sad tale we rather prefer:
Chubby Asparagus used to be so cute, in that trash-collector-hit-the-lottery-and-got-a-makeover kinda way.
Always something likable about his in-your-face appeal, totally doable, too. Until he decided bad TV was his thing and Sara Lee was his lady, along with all those real-life ladies you have to purchase.
So, Chubby's unhappy in his marriage, big deal. Oldest story in the book, right? It's what the malcontents do about the bad situation at home that separates the duds from the studs.
Try and work it out? Awesome. Decide to leave with dignity and without busting up all the china? Cool, too. Go to Vegas and order a hooker to the club where you're having a drink instead of straight to your hotel room? Total loserville on so many levels.
Geez, man, you paid for that kinda public humiliation? You must truly be desperate.
And It Ain't: John Travolta, Scott Baio, Howie Mandel

* Update Nov 18:
- For Chubby Asparagus, Ted has eliminated David Boreanaz, Kevin James.
- For Mooney Tuna, Ted has eliminated Charlie Sheen, Alec Baldwin.


*** Update Dec 4: Ted has revealed Mooney Tuna to be Seth MacFarlane. ***



35 comments:

sistah2 said...

i had to read that last paragraph a few times to get what he is saying.
Dont know if I am reading it right, but first thought is Wayne Brady.
He and wife split up last year.

pomme said...

don johnson?

Frantic Home Cook said...

#1 - Christian Slater?

Stevenson214 said...

Anthony Imperioli

duffgrl said...

I agree w/ sistah2-Wayne Brady. There is even an internet rumor out there to that effect.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking Drew Carey.

duffgrl said...

Interesting, both Wayne Brady and Drew Carey were suspected to be Tubby Pay-Stub, too. Drew was ruled out for Pricey Dicey; WB was also suspected for that one and so was Jason Alexander...

Anonymous said...

"Tuna Money" = Tune of Money = "Spelling Bee" = Wayne Brady?

Anonymous said...

Wow, where did I get "Tuna Money" from?! It's "Mooney Tuna", clearly...

Sorry, guys!

Anonymous said...

My guess would be David Caruso for tuna. Famously left NYPD Blue and his CSI contract may be up soon? Also, since he can't walk and put on sunglasses at the same time I can see where a condom might be a real challenge:)

No idea on the second one yet...

blurry vice said...

David Caruso is highly speculated to be a different BV - check labels for info.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is David Boreanaz Chubby Asparagus from One Poochy Pathetic Blind Vice?
—Kamila

Dear So Off:
Heaven’s no. Think diff main talent, as it's, well, something you do with your tongue besides kiss hookers."

-- SINGER?

duffgrl said...

To anonymous guessers above: we are guessing the identity of Chubby Asparagus; not Mooney Tuna. MT was a tease, someone he will get back to later maybe. guesses are for CA...
Still thinking Wayne Brady who does sing!! And hosts "Don't Forget The Lyrics"-good guess sistah2. So do you think Drew Carey was Chubby Pay-Stub??

sistah2 said...

I remember that one I think, I am gonna look it up...yea I think we guessed Drew Carey. I dont know why I keep guessing Wayne B for these things, he just seems so obvious.

Sarah said...

I thought Wayne Brady was in the midst of a divorce.... sounds like Chubby is still sticking it out with the wife.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Is Moony Tuna from One Poochy Pathetic Blind Vice Charlie Sheen? And is Chubby Asparagus the guy from The King of Queens? Please tell!
—Amy

Dear 0 for 2:
Neither of these boob tubs are right. Moony is less present than Sheen is on the screen, while Chubby doesn’t have a movie presence like Kevin James does. Not exactly. Also, wrong primary m├ętier. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Hope you and your hubby are safe with the wildfires. Margo and the cats, too. I really want to know who Mooney Tuna is. Alec Baldwin, perchance? Thanks bunches.
—Lorraine

Dear Tuna Tart:
Baldwin knows our Vice archive well—but not as Mooney, sorry, sweetie. "

duffgrl said...

Oh, we are guessing Mooney Tuna. Benjamin Bratt? or Bill Shatner.
Still guessing Wayne Brady or Drew Carey for the 2nd one.

Anonymous said...

THIS is the only blind item I have ever got, but Tuna is so obviously Seth MacFarlane. He just got a 100 million contract from Fox. He is "less present" than Sheen, meaning he isn't actually on Family Guy or American Dad. And Family Guy was off, then back on Fox because it's their #1 show! SNAP!

sistah2 said...

Sarah said.."thought Wayne Brady was in the midst of a divorce.... sounds like Chubby is still sticking it out with the wife."

..sorry, I really thought Ted said Chubby is done with the wife, with this quote:
"..Decide to leave with dignity and without busting up all the china? Cool, too..."
so I interpret that to mean, they decided to split up. although, I see what you mean,maybe this is not public yet? but, then no one could guess this then, if this split is not known yet.
Ok I am done with this one. too much analyzing. IF we think the couple is divorcing/divorced it could still be Wayne B.

Anonymous said...

How about the guy from My Name is Earl for Chubby?

Anonymous said...

It can't be David Caruso. I mean, judging by the way he removes his sunglasses and puts them back on 50 times an episode, he can surely handle a condom. : )

Anonymous said...

I think the whole list of options (split up, keep diginity, work things out) is just a list of things Ted is saying this guy COULD have done. Instead, he remains unhappily married ordering hookers in Vegas.

Anonymous said...

Wow - Ted actually did a reveal today. (his column has a link to the BV)

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane was named in Entertainment Weekly's list of the Top 25 Smartest People in Television, right ahead of Sarah Palin's proxy, Tina Fey. Dude went from having a cancelled cartoon to getting paid a billion bucks to bring the same show back, plus two more. Not an easy feat, but if Seth's so smart, how come he doesn't know how to put on a condom?

Anonymous said...

I called this on November 18th! That's what I'm talkin' about.

Anonymous said...

OMG is Ted finally listening to his fans and doing some more reveals?! He's NEVER that bold about a BV reveal. Sweet!

blurry vice said...

I totally missed that... I read it but didn't click on the link and didn't put it together!

sistah2 said...

Props to you Anon for calling it. I never woulda thought of that guy.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm a really big fan of Seth MacFarlane. Can you tell me more about him? Is there any gossip about him?
—Grace

Dear Duh:
And you've already read about it—prob just didn't know it at the time."

peapod said...

So I am thinking chubby asparagus is Gene Simmons. "Bad Vv" would be referring to his reality show. And Ted says something about his tongue in his bitch back, and Gene Simmons is famous for his tongue.

literal_chaos said...

It can't be Gene Simmons. He is not married. He's been with his girlfriend Sharon for many many years, not sure exactly how long but they have two teenage children together. In the Vice it clearly states that Chubby is unhappy in his "marriage". Plus I think Gene Simmons would be the type to leave if he was unhappy in his marriage. He's very "all about me".

Gemini850 said...

Charile Sheen. The last line was something like he paid for this humilation. Sheen was paying hookers before. Also he was married to Denise Richards at the time and he was unhappy.

blurry vice said...

Just an FYI - the letter to Ted in which he revealed Seth McFarlane as Mooney Tuna - there was actually a link to this blind vice highlighted on the words "put on a condom". Definitely a reveal.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Any dish on Seth MacFarlane? I'm a big Family Guy fan and think that if you're going to be that irreverent and gross on TV, then you have to have some kind of real-world experience. Am I right?
—Isaac

Dear Family Gross:
Seth is most certainly not the "family guy" you might think he is. But the guy keeps quiet about his skeeziness, which is brilliant."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I'm developing a pretty strong crush on Seth MacFarlane and can't wait to see his movie Ted this summer. Any Vicey behavior I should know about before I let my crush go any further? Thanks!
—Anastasia Beaverhausen

Dear Hell Yeah!
And how! Let's just say, if you knew his Vice, your crush might be—no pun intended—crushed. But then again, maybe not. It hasn't stopped him from landing babes in the past. Love your nomenclature, by the way, babe."

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