Friday, July 25, 2008

One Fruit-of-the-Doom Blind Vice

Another Toothy Tile BV! 7/25/08:


Back and Ballsier Than Ever
Our beloved mystery closet job, Toothy Tile, is back, dancing the out-me dance yet again in Blind Vice Friday.

Blind Vice, Don't Tempt Me
Toothy Tile makes it perfectly clear he's 100 percent certain this very column will never reveal his identity. Hmmm. That one is so funny, Toothy. Reminds me I forgot to tell you all that once my divorce comes through, I'll be engaged to the remaining unmarried Bush daughter!

One Fruit-of-the-Doom Blind Vice

OK, was going to do the Blind Vice story on the Academy Award-friendly actress who thinks her cats can read, which is why she has their names written on their separate litter boxes, but that tale simply pales in comparison to Toothy Tile, who’s back and gayer than, like, ever! Dude’s losin’ his recent, overly prissy, shy shit and gettin’ his non-Nellie nerve back on (much to everyone’s surprise, just not mine).

See, ol’ Tooth, our fave partner in sex-in-public crime is being just as brazen, only with words, not his crotch. The pretty boy (man, on occasion) is gleefully telling more than a few gossipy girls—which means boys, natch, in highly exaggerated fagola speak, but then, I’m sure you already knew that, hon-cakes—that he’s quite aware the hunt for his identity is on. And has been for sometime. Says he enjoys it, even. Who wouldn’t, really? Especially if you’re dead certain your identity will never be revealed. Yep, that’s right.

T2 says he’s havin’ such a fab gay ol’ experience of it all because he’s “sure,” as it’s been relayed to this columnist, that the true identity of Mr. Tile will never, ever be discussed by yours truly. Oh, really? Is that so?

Just don’t count on it, bud. What with the myriad lies to the public (I mean, really, you’re as bad about your true sexual persuasion as Cathy Douglas is with her age), you're on thin vice, babe, so watch it.

And it ain't: Matthew Broderick, Ricky Martin, Wentworth Miller

* See our other Toothy Tile posts for the others that have been eliminated. The list of people Ted has excluded is updated as needed and can be found here. Once again we are claiming Toothy is Jake Gyllenhaal.


mo-mo said...

I wish Ted would just spill it already! It's been years!

sistah2 said...

this is weird. There are no further hints either way about who it is actually. If TEd is being challenged to reveal TT, why didn't he at least give a whopper of a clue? He did not even do that. come on Ted! give the peeps what they want.

blurry vice said...

I know, and two of the AIA's were already eliminated in the past. (Ricky Martin and Wentworth Miller). Ted did the same thing with FALF and SJP last week too... eliminating people we already are aware of. Come on Ted, we keep lists! Give us something to go on other than Matthew Broderick!!! (Who doesn't fit anyway!!!)

Anonymous said...

Ted is giving clues that connect Toothy with Jake. The “men gossip more than women” part was mentioned in the “jake is looking for a new assistant” on June 25 and the “cat litter” reference in one of the Q&A about Jake and Reese (June 24).

June 25, 2008

“...Gyllenhaal is more interested in a female assistant. Doesn’t surprise moi, really, ‘cause everybody knows men gossip more than women. Known fact, babe-cakes.”

June 24, 2008

Dear Ted: Correct me if I'm wrong, but in your recent Truth, Lies, and Ted video, there are at least two comical clues as to why Jake and Reese will not be living passionately ever after. One clue was visual, the other verbal, but both reaffirmed your status as gossip's most clever columnist! Kudos!
Judy - Dover, N.H.

Dear Between the Lines: Was that when I was cleaning out the cat litter?

Anonymous said...

How does Jake think we're NOT on to him. He has a fansite named Toothy Tile dedicated to him!

Jake G said...

I love all my fans ;)

Kristine said...

I refuse to believe Jake is gay. Bi-sexual, maybe. But, I can't believe he would drag Reese, and most of all her kids, into this sham to cover up who he really is.

Anonymous said...

Both benefit from the showmance manufactured by their PR. Jake seems hetero and Reese benefits her image and gets publicity. She went from negative publicity (cheated wife/split) to a positive one selling a how she moved on to a “hot new romance”. The tabloids readers are Reese’s rom com and Avon target audiences, so this is why they stage photo ops and plant PR articles all over the place and then sell themselves as “private”. It’s all a marketing strategy. Jake would be just an uncle figure for the kids. He is stable and solid enough to have him around long term as a close family friend. It's a win-win situation for both of them.

blurry vice said...

kristine - Reese is not being fooled. She knows and is being his friend. They have never said they were a couple, and have never been photographed kissing. Yes he hangs out with their kids, and they get coffee and go to yoga together. There is nothing romantic about it. They are BFF and she knows his heart belongs to Austin.

Anyway, Ted has AGAIN given us another name for elimination which is already on our list of people he has eliminated in the past. (Vince Vaughn). Ted, please refer to our list before you waste our time!

Anonymous said...

all the Toothy Tile blind items

Toothy Tile archive

sistah2 said...

But he has recently been photo'd kissing her - backstage at a concert in Europe. It was a camera-phone snap by a passer-by - not a pap. so ,, it was not a staged photo op. That said, I think he still maybe
Toothy, but I am inclined to believe he is BI.

Boss Bunny said...

I can't believe I went through almost the entire Toothy Tile archive, but I'm now even less convinced that T2 is Jakey-pooh. There's plenty of reasons to believe it's true, but I'm just not feeling it. Anyway, I found this bit from Ted's mailbag:

September 8, 2005

Dear Ted:
This Toothy Tile thing is killing me! I must be superlame, because even with the hints, I haven't got a clue. Is it Ryan Cabrera from Texas?
The O.C.

Dear South of Hell-Ay:
Nope, but you're also directly below, geographically speaking, where Mr. T.T. was born and now resides. And you're hardly superlame, cupcake--you're a stellar snoop in my hazel eyes.

Jake was born and raised in LA.

Boss Bunny said...

Oh, and one more thing... We all know how cute Ted is (should I stop there?) about his names. Toothy Tile only matches Gylenhaal. However, there was a mention of a "Jiggly Wiggle-Poof" that I thought might really be Jake.

blurry vice said...

anonymous who posted the link above - you or someone else has posted that many times on our site. Again, we don't mind, but if you are someone from that site, why don't you respond to our request to have a link exchange? That way our sites link up to one another on the home page. Someone keeps posting the link in the comments section ALOT, which is fine but is silly.

sistah2 said...

boss bunny, do you mean that bit from Ted's mailbag was a good clue or not? I do not get your meaning. To me, that clue points directly to someone born & living in LA. the OC(where the letter writer is from) is directly south of LA. so, if JG is from LA doesn;t that point to him?

Dear Naive said...

But, I can't believe he would drag Reese, and most of all her kids, into this sham to cover up who he really is.



Hollywood PR loves people like you.

blurry vice said...

Yes, that clue from Ted says that TT is from LA. Correlates with Jake. That is one of the many hints he has given that has convinced everyone about Jake being TT.

fake said...

But he has recently been photo'd kissing her - backstage at a concert in Europe.

I saw the picture - no kissing, Jake isn't even looking at her.

Even if he was, it wouldn't mean a thing after all those obviously staged photo ops and PR spins.

Anonymous said...

good call sistah2! I never read it as a comment from where the question writer was from!

Anonymous said...

I think the clue of this blind item is in the title. Remember a couple months ago when Jake was photographed in a department store all perplexed looking staring at diffent underwear options ( ie fruit of the loom)

LemonadeLover said...

WOW, Toothy Talk on Ted today...Ted says that there is a Baby Tile!! Does Jake G. have any kids?? That was a good question from "Tom". Baby Tile?? Could I be interpreting this the wrong way??

blurry vice said...

Here's the letter:

Dear Ted:
Please don't be like Toothy himself when asked a tough question. Just give a simple answer. A yes or no will do. No beating around the bush or skirting the issue. Is there a Baby Tile?
—Tom, Mt. Laurel

Dear Gay Shooter:

Ted has talked about Baby Tile for a long time. See old posts for discussion. Now we have confirmation of this. OK - so does Jake have a baby? either Austin Nichols is raising Baby Tile and we don't see the baby at all. OR - I am going out on a limb. The one other person Ted never eliminated is Matthew McConaughey and he just had that baby. If TT is him I don't know who the boyfriend is though. Camilla Alves doesn't fit TT's beard's description though, and MAtthew just doesn't fit as well as Jake.

Anonymous said...

So now there IS a Baby Tile. This is strange. I wonder if Baby Tile is an actual baby or if Ted is being funny and it's actually a dog or something. Perhaps Jake and Austin got a dog together? I know he has a German Shepherd that Reese was seen walking recently.

blurry vice said...

Yeah Jake has a dog that Reese is taking care of while he's off filming or something. This is an intersting theory - Jake's DOG is Baby Tile!?

sistah2 said...

Or maybe this is Ricky Martin? He just had twins by surrogate. Sorry if he was elim'd - now that i think of it, he doesnt fit anyway. (?)
OK - I guess either way we'll find out soon who TT is. if there is a baby, we'll know soon if Reese has one with him, or what.......

LemonadeLover said...

Now I'm even more confused. Ted says TT is same age as Ben Affleck?? Jake is much younger isn't he?? Now I'm thinking the Matthew guesses are sounding more like a fit?? hmmmmm.......

blurry vice said...

YEah Ricky Martin was eliminated a few times. Ted seems to repeat his Toothy eliminations over and over again recently. We have a post here where we have everyone who was eliminated.
The only people he hasn't eliminated are Jake G, MAtthew McConaughey and John Travolta. John Travolta doesn't really fit. JAke G fits best.

I really like the idea that Baby Tile is Jake's dog Atticus. Reese has been seen walking him while JG is away filing. Baby Tile has never been confirmed as human. :)

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
After delving deeper in your articles and in others on other websites, I've come to a horrible conclusion—sure hope I'm 100 percent wrong—but is Toothy Tile Ben Affleck?

Dear Spin Jen:
Oh, wouldn't that just give J.G. a kick in her softer spots, which, of course, don't exist, so what the ef are we talking about? Right age and acting oeuvre, wrong dude.

Noogie said...

If Ted really was refering to Jake's dog as his 'baby', then he's deliberately trying to throw us off Toothy's track. If that's the case, maybe Toothy was right in saying that Ted would never out him. On the other hand, maybe Jake has a secret baby stashed in some 'undisclosed location' (perhaps Dick Cheney is baby-sitting!). I really don't think Matthew McConaughey is Toothy -- or gay, for that matter -- he's too much of a douche to be gay.

blurry vice said...

Matthew M has finally been eliminated! LEtter from Ted below. We will update the list in separate post.

Dear Ted:
You are so sassy! I knew Toothy Tile was Matthew McConaughey. And then you gave it away stating that Liev Schrieber and Toothy have a much in common...duh, like Liev scrambled is Levi, Matthew's new baby. Seriously! Brilliant. I'm a Republican, through and through...but honestly Ted, I think we would be great buddies. Why can't elephants and donkeys just get along? I adore you.
—J. Strauss

Dear Jungle Joneser:
Why does everybody in the world think M.M. is T.T.? (He's not.) I simply find that fascinating. Adore you back!

blurry vice said...

I also want to note that in the title of that section, Ted says "Close on Toothy". Another Jake G hint... they are buds.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
I love your column and even if you piss me off more often than not (especially when you badmouth Jennifer Aniston and Jen Garner), I just can't stop reading and following your work. I wish I knew how to quit ya! Is James Franco Toothy Tile?

Dear Toothy Tell All:
No, but dollmuff, you're so close more than a few fagolas in T-town are sweatin' plenty right about now. Nice detective work.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
I have read all your Toothy Tile items and I know who he is. My guess, and I know no one has guessed, is Channing Tatum. He has to be. I also want to throw in Emile Hirsch and Chris Evans just in case.

Dear Three in One:
What's Baby Tile, chopped gossip? Negative on all three, but right age group.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Chad Michael Murray? Would you even tell us if we guessed correctly?

Dear Murray Mistake:
It ain't Murray—we'd have no problem giving Chad's bedroom habits away. Toothy's much juicier than some One Tree Hill chump.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
You've kept the toothpaste cap on Toothy Tile's identity for too long! Toothy is like your "Who Shot J.R." of the digital age.

Dear Mystery Man:
We promise we won't pull a Dallas and make it all just a dream at the end of the A.T.'s run. Which ain't happening anytime soon, kiddos, worry not.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
I love that you print all those nasty letters. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be just a little insulted, yet you go and publish them to the world. Nice. So, is Tobey M. our boy Toothy?

Dear Blinded By the Bisexuality:
Thanks and no. Think prettier. Kinda right on the rest, though!

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile know he's Toothy Tile in your Blind Vices? I've always heard that people in celebrity camps scroll blog sites (just to make sure they're getting talked about, of course). Just wondering if his people have figured out you're talking about him.

Dear Eavesdrop:
Toothy knows, alright. That's why he loves to do his out-me mamba all across T-town.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
As much as I wish Toothy Tile was in actuality Sarah Palin's husband, I have convinced myself it is Hugh Jackman. Yay or Nay?

Dear Wishful Thinking:
Nay. Almost, but not quite.

blurry vice said...

Just for the record, Ted has been asked is Baby Tile was human. He has not responded to that letter. Encourages the guess that Baby Tile is Jake's dog Atticus.

blurry vice said...

Dear Ted:
If Jake and Reese are just PR buddies, then as far as I can tell, he hasn't dated anyone since he broke up with Kirsten Dunst back in 2005. Is he that picky?
—Jill, M.E.

Dear Dump or Dunst:
Maybe he didn't date KiKi, either.

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
I thought that Toothy Tile had the talent, personality, integrity, braveness and beauty to be the Jackie Robinson of Hollywood. What do you think happened to him that he turned into an average phony hypocrite playing the Hollywood game?

Dear Braveheart:

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Why did Jake Gyllenhaal choose to become a dull, vanilla, manufactured tabloid product with weekly, PR-friendly illustrated fictions of his very public/private life instead of being an intelligent actor with substance, opinions and personality following his own individual path in quality projects like he used to be? What is your opinion?

Dear Run-On:
Yours. "

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
Did you by any chance see the storyline on The Starter Wife where the bipolar, closeted action star tries to come out (when he's off his meds) and is stopped by his lover who traps him in the bathroom? Is this anything close to the Toothy Tile situation?

Dear Dr Scat:
Drugs aren’t involved as much as delirium, darling."

blurry vice said...

"Dear Ted:
The link to the "academic paper" on Toothy Tile in the Bitch-Back column was very insightful. I know that everyone thinks they know who Toothy is, but I still think that it's possible that it's someone else who is flying "under the radar." Would you really make it that easy for us? Keep it up—I live for reading your column every morning!

Dear Love of the Chase:
Many of our Blind Vice victims fly under the radar; you'd be so surprised."