Friday, July 4, 2008

One Lard-Sass Blind Vice

Happy 4th of July! Here's Ted's latest blind vice...

Lead-ins
Red, White, n' Stew
Our coke-stoked sex-a-luscious Blind Vice today is big, bad
and burly—can you guess who our stupid mystery man is? (Betcha can!)


Snackin' n' Snortin' with the Stars
Porta-Potbelly's got a craving for candy—the regular gumdrop variety, as well as the
sweet stuff that goes in your schnoz. Good thing his latest projects have
propelled him into the limelight—and into a lotta ladies' laps. It's also shot
him right into our
Blind Vice alley of dubious
behavior. Welcome, P.P.!


One Lard-Sass Blind Vice

So, Porta-Potbelly hit it big. In every way. Dude's not
only got debatable mirthful acting abilities, but a frame that's rather
oversized, not exactly the prettiest pic in Hollywood, an enclave built almost
entirely around how you look. So, P.P. can be forgiven, one
supposes, if he hits clubs and parties and chooses to let his fame do the
seducing, as Size-0 God knows, P.P. wouldn't stand a chance in Hades with these
glittering gaga chicks were he not famous. Just like with the rockers, ya know,
same principle precisely. (And if you don't believe me here, just look at the
ugly-butt who's the latest entry into the Paris Hilton School of Sex Tapes,
Mini-Me Verne Troyer.)
And there P2 is, hitting up dive bar after dive bar in
H-town, with his almost-equally famous dork-butt amigo. Porta moves right in on
three chicks he desires to have directly beneath his quivering, jiggly
flesh—only problem, he can't decide which one! Perhaps this is why Porta pulls
out the blow, to help him hone a plan, who the ef knows. Or maybe it's to
impress the babes, who, trust, are already majorly taken with the Big
Star.
Porta's clearly a man who's new to ruling this kind of scenester
debauchery, as he broke Rules No. 1 (Let them come to you), No. 2 (Do your blow
in the stall, just like the rest of T-town does), and, most importantly, No. 3
(Seduce and select them all, not just one, you dimwit). And like the horny moron
he is, Mr. Potbelly wiped his schnoz, told the one babe he preferred to move
it—and back to his chic, artist-like Hell-Ay residence they hightailed
it.
Uh, what I want to know is why the hell these babes do it. Is possibly
getting smothered by an arguably gifted ape with a most challenging coiffure
really worth the 15 minutes of infamy it's going to afford you? Nevermind,
ladies, I already know the answer. Forgive me for even asking, that was the
dumberest thing I've done all week.

And it ain't:
Tyler Perry, Brandon Davis, Jorge Garcia
* Update 7/15 - Not Jack Black, Horatio Sanz, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill.

Our top suspect: Seth Rogen,

Post your guess in a comment!

30 comments:

blurry vice said...

Seth Rogan or Jonah Hill?

Anonymous said...

Vince Vaughn.

Anonymous said...

Funny, Jonah Hill & Vince Vaughn were my first two thoughts too!

blurry vice said...

But Ted has always hinted that Vince Caughn was gay, when he was dated Jennifer Aniston he always hinted that they were just doing it for the media, that they were never really together... "I wonder why" type comments.

Wiggles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kasnecka said...

What about Jason Segel, who got a lot of negative comments about baring all in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I'd never seen him before that--so it could be that his recent projects have placed him in the limelight.

Vince Vaughn, however, has been around forever, so I doubt it would be him.

Sarah said...

Also, frankly, Vince Vaughan isn't ugly. Many of us - including me - find him attractive in his own right. I don't just like hime because he's famous. And he doesn't have a hairline problem either.

bc said...

First, I agree that Vince Vaughn is totally do-able, famous or not :-)

Secondly, what stuck out at me was the word "dumberest." On IMDB, the third person credited is Wayne Federman. He was in Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin, so that looks like a hint that you are on the right track with Jonah Hill or Seth Rogan, since it is impossible to give a clue to JH without also pointing to SR. There must also be something to the spelling of "scenester" but I don't know what that is.

Anonymous said...

Seth Rogen. And the friend is probably Jonah Hill. Looking at the AIAs, Tyler Perry is involved in different capacities--producing, writing, performing. Jorge Garcia did improv and standup before TV. I can't figure the Brandon Davis connection unless it's that they're both Jewish. I also had Evan Goldberg and Peter Segel in the mix, but they just don't fit as well.

Colts#1Filly said...

I think it might be Jonah Hill and Michael Cera. The "big, bad and burly" clue could point to their movie Superbad. The challenging coiffure and the portly size fits Jonah. According to IMDB, Jonah has been around a few years acting (2004-ish) but didn't really "hit it big" until 2007 with Superbad. The dork butt amigo comment fits Michael Cera to a T.

Anonymous said...

Phillip Seymour Hoffman?

Anonymous said...

jonah hill and michael cera - great guess

mo-mo said...

Definitely Jonah Hill.

Rhynn*~ said...

Brandon Davis was in the AIA because he actually is a portly, heroin/coke addict...the AIA was probably just that, "and it ain't", not a clue...

I'm definitely going with the masses on this one -- Jonah Hill/Michael Cera.

blurry vice said...

Ted says way younger than Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Looks like it's Jonah Hill. Great job everyone.

Anonymous said...

Not Jonah Hill. Or so says Ted today.

--bossbunny

blurry vice said...

I thought we had it! Ted says he is in the same crowd as Jonah Hill, but wrong guy.

Anonymous said...

I'm going with Seth Rogan

blurry vice said...

Seth Rogan was my guess too. I was doubting him though cause I wasn't sure if he was "much younger" than Vince Vaughn and I needed to check on that. He IS 12 yrs younger. So now I am back to him too.

Colts#1Filly said...

Ahh, I'm sad if its Seth Rogan. The thing that surprises me is that Seth has a long term girlfriend. How about Jason Segal (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)? He's def in the Judd Apatow crew; works as producer, writer, actor, etc; and he worked in TV. His dork butt amigo could be Russell Brand - who is well known to have hard partying ways....

I know, I'm probably grasping at straws but I don't want it to be Seth!

blurry vice said...

I know, I was thinking the same thing when I saw him and his gfriend in a magazine the other day. Jason Segal is a good guess... forgot about him!

Boss Bunny said...

And I don't want it to be Jason, either. But I did some research (I am spending WAY too much time on this) and discovered that Jason Segel lives almost next door to the Chateau Marmont. How "chic, artist-like" can a residence get? Besides, all the comments about his body leads me to believe that Ted was watching too closely during "Sarah Marshall."

blurry vice said...

I was thinking about that scene too. I saw the movie and it is true that he is not exactly in the best of shape.

Anonymous said...

How about: This is all a huge lie? Rumours rumours rumours. If all of you who say "Oh but I don't want it to be so-and-so! He was so nice!" like said actors so much, you sure are quick to jump on the bandwagon and accuse them of disgusting things like this.
This is pitiful.

Colts#1Filly said...

Ha! That's funny! Anonymous, why are you coming to this site if you don't like what it's about? This is a site where we can all 'speculate' on 'who is it'? Obviously it may not be the truth, that's why it's a 'blind item' - if it were fact, it would be reported without fear of repercussions. I find it perfectly normal to like someone based off the characters they play (because who really knows these people? They're ACTORS, they play characters!) but still suspect they are an answer to a blind item based off the clues given.

Jamie said...

Going by interviews i've seen, I honestly dont think it's Jason Segal. my vote is for Seth Rogen or Vince Vaughn, maybe with Michael Cera? Him I'm not sure about either. But Rogen and Vaughn, deffo!

backhomeagain said...

it's jason segal. i know one of the bartenders at his favorite bar. repeat: it's jason segal. :)

Christopher Hendrix said...

This can't be Jason Segel:

"Dear Ted:
For some reason, I didn't watch How I Met Your Mother until Lifetime started airing episodes on Mondays, but I am now officially a fan! And Jason Segel is now one of my celebrity crushes! What can you tell us about him? Has he been a B.V.?
—S

Dear Segel Snoop:
No, but some of his friends have been."

August 20, 2009 3:08 PM

And we all know Bart Farts is Seth Rogen.

Back to the drawing board?

blurry vice said...

Don't know!!!

blurry vice said...

I'm taking off the Jason Segel tag. He is Adam Pounce Prick.

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