Sunday, July 20, 2008

One Desperate-Diva Blind Vice

Ted July 17 -

It’s amazing I don’t write these more often, the clinging-onto-celeb-life-with-all-the-surgeried-muscle-
they-can-muster brand o’ Blind Vices. Could it be they hit too close to home for this fortysomething columnist who wonders if he should start embarking on all the plastic-puss opportunities available in this ├╝ber-vain town? Nah, not today, at least. But do take Sheila Muff-Driver, an attractive enough gal who plans on selling her fading sexuality until she drops and who hasn't shied away from all that docs can do for her, trust. ‘Course, not that long ago, Sheila-love was the hoochie-coochie toast of T-town, and I don’t mean just for being a superscrumptious babe, but for her great beauty and arguable talent, too. The Academy Awards even gave her notable recognition at one time, but alas, that was back when SMD had a modicum of professionalism to offer her colleagues, as opposed to the perk-filled, ridiculously absurd existence Sheila's life has now become.

She goes through assistants faster than Botox needles. She fires reps of all sorts (managers, agents, etc.) who were just trying to do her a charitable favor in the first place—as Ms. Muff-Driver did, at one time, have such promise. And she still could, mind you, if she’d just stop injecting her body with every fountain-of-youth concoction out there and let what’s left of her face just be. So, you know, she could move it, utilize it and such, as actors are wont to do. But instead, all Sheila gets today are offers to do benefits and interviews about her once-golden career. And it was one occasion for the latter—in a documentary being put together by an established director who could ostensibly help reenergize Ms. M.-D.’s career—in which Sheila was set to be prominently featured.

Although, true to deranged spoiled form, when the producer rang up to finalize the schedule, Sheila barked back: “You know, I don’t get out of bed for less than $40,000 a day.”

Sheila’s still under the covers, by the by, her latest opportunity at anything close to a comeback having been quashed, yet again, by herself.

Maybe next time this happens, just go and shoot the bitch in her bed? Just a thought. Would be fitting on so many levels.

And it ain't: Whitney Houston, Blythe Danner, Diahann Carroll

* Update 7/29 - Ted has eliminated Meg Ryan, Diana Ross, Sharon Stone

**** August 4 - Ted has revealed that Sheila Muff Driver is Faye Dunaway. ***

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sharon Stone ;)

Anonymous said...

That's exactly who I guessed, as well.

Anonymous said...

Sharon Stone has just completed one movie, plus has 3 others in production (according to imdb), and they seem pretty "A-list" (co-starring with Brad Pitt, etc.). So I don't think this is her, as she still gets work. I was thinking someone older--maybe Raquel Welch?

Kit said...

Hmm... I looked up Raquel Welch's page on IMDB and she's actually working on a TV series right now. Although there is an interesting gap in her work.

On a hunch, I then looked up Goldie Hawn's IMDB profile, and I have to say - it sounds much more likely.

Anonymous said...

Kit, Goldie does sound good! On Ted's site, a lot of people were guessing Faye Dunaway, so I looked her up. She seems to fit pretty well also!! I wonder what director is working on a documentary...?!

Colts#1Filly said...

I also thought Sharon Stone but I"m not sure she's as botoxed as some others though. How about Nicole Kidman? I always think of her when botox is mentioned. She hasn't had a hit in ages and her only existence lately has been is she or isn't she really pregnant (absurd existence)?

Anonymous said...

Minnie Driver... it rhymes? She was nominated for an Oscar for "Good Will Hunting" and did seem to have so much promise. Looks botoxed and enhanced in photos.

LemonadeLover said...

Renee Zellweger??

Noogie said...

Catherine Zeta-Jones? She has an Oscar and her career isn't what it used to be. When he called her "Ms. M.-D." I cound help but think that was a nod to 'Mrs Michael Douglas'.

mo-mo said...

All good guesses, but I'm thinking Sharon Stone too.

Where are my sistahs?

Anonymous said...

I've been looking up special awards and Sophie Loren is the only one I can find who was female, and given a special award since the 70's.

sistah2 said...

Catherine ZJ is great guess. I wonder why TEd randomly brought her name up in yesterday's BV - called her "Cathy Douglas" which I have never heard her called. somethings up here.

Anonymous said...

He ruled out Sharon Stone (though he also said the guess was really close) and said she's older than Diana Ross. He also ruled out Meg Ryan.

blurry vice said...

Just as Man-nuts as Meg Ryan, but older and more celebrated. And even older than Diana Ross.

blurry vice said...

Sharon Stone guess is "very close".

Colts#1Filly said...

Dyan Cannon? She's older than Diana Ross, arguable talent but was nominated for a couple Oscars, and her face is a wreck - see here...http://www.gossiprocks.com/forum/latest-gossip/77413-dyan-cannon-gilf.html

The best clue is when Ted says "Maybe next time this happens, just go and shoot the bitch in her bed? Just a thought. Would be fitting on so many levels."

Dyan was in a movie called "Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice" in which all 4 stars of the movie were in bed!

I also like Anonymous guess of Faye Dunaway. She could fit too, I think.

sistah2 said...

what does man-nuts mean? how does that relate to M Ryan?

Colts#1Filly said...

I think he means like 'boy crazy' or she has issues with men (ie. Meg's affair/leaving her husband).

Interestingly, I saw on IMDB that Faye Dunaway turned down the role in "Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice" and she was famously dropped from the lead in Andrew Lloyd Webber's Broadway musical Sunset Blvd.

Anonymous said...

Cher?

Colts#1Filly said...

Oooh - good guess on Cher! But I just checked and she's 2 years younger than Diana Ross.

Anonymous said...

Ted confirmed Faye Dunaway today

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