Oh, before we get to such scintillating bits ‘n’ boobiness—means Tori Spelling's on the way, trust—must tell you all that I dare say Toothy Tile must be paying a very well known, blockbuster-starring actor to homo-outdo his gay ways. Hate to be a tease ‘n’ all (that’s a damn lie), but you’ll just have to wait until Friday’s Blind Vice to find out the deets, hon-childs. I mean, maybe that nasty fag bitch Christopher Ciccone really has let loose something in the celeb air right now, what with his sibling-stabbing memoirs and the hilarious Cristina Crawford-esque interviews he’s pulling ‘round town. ‘Cause Toothy’s new matinee rival is pulling really over-the-top, stereotypical Rock Hudson retro sex shenanigans. Delish, can’t wait to tell you all!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
You’d think they’d be liquid, you know? Flush from the funds of so many different projects, across so many different mediums, by so many different sources.
But that’s the thing with celebrities. They’re richer than we are, to be sure, but some of them really aren’t THAT rich, especially when you factor in the lifestyle. Being not that rich isn’t a problem. Being not that rich and not paying your bills is a big problem. Being not that rich, not paying your bills, but still spending your balls off is a huge problem.
So they have projects around the house. Some construction here, some wiring there, installations, renovations...it never stops. It never stops because they keep having to hire new people. Inevitably the invoice will arrive, they won’t be able to pay it, so they end up calling someone else to finish the job. They don’t pay those people either.
How f&cking ghetto, non???
Like people who keep taking out credit card after credit card? Only these assholes are wealthy! They have jobs! They earn celebrity salaries!
Which means they’re too stupid to manage their finances and too cheap to figure out their finances before satisfying their non-urgent, vanity-motivated projects at the expense, literally, of labourers and small business owners who trusted the wrong millionaires.
Slowly but surely, they’ve pretty much exhausted the entire contracting community in town, verging on blacklist, and are now several hundred thousand dollars in the hole to several companies in Hollywood. Word is they’re facing legal action, and even a lien on their property...
Probably the reason behind the new round of exploitation. They need the cash.
But do we still care?
A few years ago, before everyone and their eyebrow stylist had a reality show, it was a novel concept. Now? Now they’re totally almost irrelevant – the proof in that lies in a deal one of them tried to strike with the paps recently.
She needed cash so badly, she arranged for some “candids” in exchange for a few quid. Unfortunately her images weren’t selling and the photographers cut her off.
Word is, even Phoebe Price out-earns her...
In this economy, how will they ever recover?
* Update Aug 8 - Lainey has eliminated Tori Spelling & Dean, The Beckhams, Courtney Cox, Mel B, Katherine Heigl, Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner, Pam Anderson.
* Top suspects: On 8/27 Lainey has hinted that this is The Osbournes.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Back and Ballsier Than Ever
Our beloved mystery closet job, Toothy Tile, is back, dancing the out-me dance yet again in Blind Vice Friday.
Blind Vice, Don't Tempt Me
Toothy Tile makes it perfectly clear he's 100 percent certain this very column will never reveal his identity. Hmmm. That one is so funny, Toothy. Reminds me I forgot to tell you all that once my divorce comes through, I'll be engaged to the remaining unmarried Bush daughter!
One Fruit-of-the-Doom Blind Vice
OK, was going to do the Blind Vice story on the Academy Award-friendly actress who thinks her cats can read, which is why she has their names written on their separate litter boxes, but that tale simply pales in comparison to Toothy Tile, who’s back and gayer than, like, ever! Dude’s losin’ his recent, overly prissy, shy shit and gettin’ his non-Nellie nerve back on (much to everyone’s surprise, just not mine).
See, ol’ Tooth, our fave partner in sex-in-public crime is being just as brazen, only with words, not his crotch. The pretty boy (man, on occasion) is gleefully telling more than a few gossipy girls—which means boys, natch, in highly exaggerated fagola speak, but then, I’m sure you already knew that, hon-cakes—that he’s quite aware the hunt for his identity is on. And has been for sometime. Says he enjoys it, even. Who wouldn’t, really? Especially if you’re dead certain your identity will never be revealed. Yep, that’s right.
T2 says he’s havin’ such a fab gay ol’ experience of it all because he’s “sure,” as it’s been relayed to this columnist, that the true identity of Mr. Tile will never, ever be discussed by yours truly. Oh, really? Is that so?
Just don’t count on it, bud. What with the myriad lies to the public (I mean, really, you’re as bad about your true sexual persuasion as Cathy Douglas is with her age), you're on thin vice, babe, so watch it.
And it ain't: Matthew Broderick, Ricky Martin, Wentworth Miller
* See our other Toothy Tile posts for the others that have been eliminated. The list of people Ted has excluded is updated as needed and can be found here. Once again we are claiming Toothy is Jake Gyllenhaal.
Bad Haired and Bug Eyed
Which actor has been much too egotistical and much too energetic on press tour recently? Let’s start with the ego first:
He’s not exactly Brad Pitt or the GMD on fame terms and still he travels with a crazy security team and insists on sweeping every location before he will enter. Who the f&ck are you??? Even his own management is snickering at his grossly exaggerated sense of entitlement – hit movies don’t necessarily equate to international superstardom, and while his box office might be lucrative, his celebrity status is decidedly modest.
Still…he insists on super stealth, secret service style maneuvers, and has hilariously mandated that while in public he be referred to by “code name” only. It becomes even funnier when the newly single megalomaniac happens upon an attractive woman. The woman is hustled through stairwells and hallways before their tryst – a procedure so elaborate that last week, his chosen partner for the evening ended up so rattled by the time she arrived at his room, she was no longer in the mood to participate.
And his paranoia is getting worse. It started out as a quirk - several weeks ago he was enthusiastic and perhaps a little particular, but not a paranoid freak. A little blow here and there for extra energy though has become more of a habit and he is getting CRANKED at work. To the point where more than a few journalists have remarked about his over-animated behaviour, as a timid reporter from Asia was frightened and confused during an interview when he became angry at her for refusing to sing karaoke with him. Sorry…I’m a bitch. I had to laugh about that.
Be thankful, dude, for a good publicity team. And for the fact that at the end of the day, it’s really only you.
Update 7/29 - Lainey has eliminated Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Shia LaBeouf, Joaquin Phoenix, Mike Myers, Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
** Top suspect: Brendan Fraser **
Update 1/14/09 - Lainey hints this is Brendan Fraser as we suspected. See comments.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
It’s amazing I don’t write these more often, the clinging-onto-celeb-life-with-all-the-surgeried-muscle-
they-can-muster brand o’ Blind Vices. Could it be they hit too close to home for this fortysomething columnist who wonders if he should start embarking on all the plastic-puss opportunities available in this über-vain town? Nah, not today, at least. But do take Sheila Muff-Driver, an attractive enough gal who plans on selling her fading sexuality until she drops and who hasn't shied away from all that docs can do for her, trust. ‘Course, not that long ago, Sheila-love was the hoochie-coochie toast of T-town, and I don’t mean just for being a superscrumptious babe, but for her great beauty and arguable talent, too. The Academy Awards even gave her notable recognition at one time, but alas, that was back when SMD had a modicum of professionalism to offer her colleagues, as opposed to the perk-filled, ridiculously absurd existence Sheila's life has now become.
She goes through assistants faster than Botox needles. She fires reps of all sorts (managers, agents, etc.) who were just trying to do her a charitable favor in the first place—as Ms. Muff-Driver did, at one time, have such promise. And she still could, mind you, if she’d just stop injecting her body with every fountain-of-youth concoction out there and let what’s left of her face just be. So, you know, she could move it, utilize it and such, as actors are wont to do. But instead, all Sheila gets today are offers to do benefits and interviews about her once-golden career. And it was one occasion for the latter—in a documentary being put together by an established director who could ostensibly help reenergize Ms. M.-D.’s career—in which Sheila was set to be prominently featured.
Although, true to deranged spoiled form, when the producer rang up to finalize the schedule, Sheila barked back: “You know, I don’t get out of bed for less than $40,000 a day.”
Sheila’s still under the covers, by the by, her latest opportunity at anything close to a comeback having been quashed, yet again, by herself.
Maybe next time this happens, just go and shoot the bitch in her bed? Just a thought. Would be fitting on so many levels.
And it ain't: Whitney Houston, Blythe Danner, Diahann Carroll
* Update 7/29 - Ted has eliminated Meg Ryan, Diana Ross, Sharon Stone
**** August 4 - Ted has revealed that Sheila Muff Driver is Faye Dunaway. ***
Oh, this is a cruel town, and I can be an equally snitty columnist, sorry. You try growing up a fruit in Texas and get back to me. Until then, let’s dish up Pickled Fickle, shall we? See, Mr. F’s not in a great way these days. Career ain’t what it used to be, and his bedroom notches certainly aren’t what they used to tally up to, either. And take it from moi, all this mattress and life sadness has nothin’ to do with P.F.’s split with his honey recently. Ol’ P-man was certainly stepping out on his lady long before their recent bust up, I assure you. But like a lot of closeted stars in this town, P.F.got used to having it his way—meaning the gal and all the guys he wanted. Until...gravity and genes set in. And I’m not only talkin’ getting old here, hons, I’m talking the whole he-bang, as in the ever-awful three W’s: weight, wrinkles and wondering (as in what went wrong).
P.F.’s got those so big time right now—in fact, he’s very nearly delirious with the three W’s. He actually said to a pal whose shoulder he was crying on not long ago, “Maybe I should just go back to hooking.” Oh, darlin’. I dare say you’re in the category now where you have to dole out the green, babycakes. You been smokin’ somethin’ you picked up below the border? Damn, Sweets. Look in the friggin’ mirror.
And it ain't: Mike Myers, Russell Simmons, David Duchovny
Update 7/29 - Ted has eliminated Val Kilmer, Matt LeBlanc, Heather Locklear.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
They were supposed to have kicked their bad habit together. A partnership in blow became a commitment effort to get clean. And for a while they were successful.
But he was the weaker one. And he’s been using again for a while.
The problem, one of many obviously, is that when he’s cranked, he’s also very aggressive. Some say he’s mixing his powder with some muscle juice and the coke/steroid combination brings out the roughneck which has presented many challenges for his publicist.
Fortunately his publicist is almost as clever as Jessica Biel's. Was able to turn spin a recent skirmish into an heroic rescue. The truth is, he was so jacked up on the good stuff he had to take it out on someone else’s head.
As for his wife...well she has a boyfriend. His name is Jesus. With her new devoutness has come an almost unbearable sanctimony, not to mention intolerance – for his lifestyle, for his binges – so much so that they are finding it increasingly difficult to be together, though like the Beckhams, they are a brand too.
One big happy family...fraud!
* Update 7/29 - Lainey has eliminated: Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale, Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony, Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith, Kevin Bacon & Kyra Sedgwick, Sean Penn & Robin Wright Penn, Katie & Peter, Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin, Johnny Depp & Vanessa Paradis, Tobey Maguire & Jen Mayer.
* Our top guess: Faith Hill & Tim McGraw *
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
What 'licious singer arrived in the Ottawa airport yesterday completely smashed???
She was so drunk that she needed assistance from her bodyguard to exit the plane and make her way through customs.
At least she didn't pee herself (again)!
Friday, July 4, 2008
Red, White, n' StewOne Lard-Sass Blind Vice
Our coke-stoked sex-a-luscious Blind Vice today is big, bad
and burly—can you guess who our stupid mystery man is? (Betcha can!)
Snackin' n' Snortin' with the Stars
Porta-Potbelly's got a craving for candy—the regular gumdrop variety, as well as the
sweet stuff that goes in your schnoz. Good thing his latest projects have
propelled him into the limelight—and into a lotta ladies' laps. It's also shot
him right into our Blind Vice alley of dubious
behavior. Welcome, P.P.!
So, Porta-Potbelly hit it big. In every way. Dude's not* Update 7/15 - Not Jack Black, Horatio Sanz, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill.
only got debatable mirthful acting abilities, but a frame that's rather
oversized, not exactly the prettiest pic in Hollywood, an enclave built almost
entirely around how you look. So, P.P. can be forgiven, one
supposes, if he hits clubs and parties and chooses to let his fame do the
seducing, as Size-0 God knows, P.P. wouldn't stand a chance in Hades with these
glittering gaga chicks were he not famous. Just like with the rockers, ya know,
same principle precisely. (And if you don't believe me here, just look at the
ugly-butt who's the latest entry into the Paris Hilton School of Sex Tapes,
Mini-Me Verne Troyer.)
And there P2 is, hitting up dive bar after dive bar in
H-town, with his almost-equally famous dork-butt amigo. Porta moves right in on
three chicks he desires to have directly beneath his quivering, jiggly
flesh—only problem, he can't decide which one! Perhaps this is why Porta pulls
out the blow, to help him hone a plan, who the ef knows. Or maybe it's to
impress the babes, who, trust, are already majorly taken with the Big
Porta's clearly a man who's new to ruling this kind of scenester
debauchery, as he broke Rules No. 1 (Let them come to you), No. 2 (Do your blow
in the stall, just like the rest of T-town does), and, most importantly, No. 3
(Seduce and select them all, not just one, you dimwit). And like the horny moron
he is, Mr. Potbelly wiped his schnoz, told the one babe he preferred to move
it—and back to his chic, artist-like Hell-Ay residence they hightailed
Uh, what I want to know is why the hell these babes do it. Is possibly
getting smothered by an arguably gifted ape with a most challenging coiffure
really worth the 15 minutes of infamy it's going to afford you? Nevermind,
ladies, I already know the answer. Forgive me for even asking, that was the
dumberest thing I've done all week.
And it ain't: Tyler Perry, Brandon Davis, Jorge Garcia
Our top suspect: Seth Rogen,
Post your guess in a comment!