Friday, December 7, 2007

One Dollar-a-Second Blind Vice


So funny. Last week, when we had Pricey Dicey in One Keep on Truckin' Blind Vice, out in the boonies, servicing truckers through a glory hole in a video arcade (this is no joke, really happened), teams of readers thought it was a certain actor. Well, it wasn’t. Nor will any guesses for this par-tick TV dude be included in next week’s elimination mailbag. That’s because he’ll, instead, be featured in this week’s baddie-boy Vice, too fun for the seen-it-all tum! Tubby Pay-Stub, interestingly enough, shares many a kinky quality with Pricey-poo. Both men are respected, popular and fairly largely talented performers on the small screen. Both dudes are not exactly what one would refer to as traditionally good-looking. These are men who don’t always get the girl. Doesn’t bother Pricey in the least, as the dude’s a total pooftah. But let’s just say it does bother Tubby-poo plenty. That’s why he sometimes purchases his companions. And TPS' currency factoid is amusing on a couple different levels. It’s no secret folks have, on occasion, raised a plucked eyebrow or two at Pay-Stub’s flashy-trashy choice of femme company. No one’s, uh, surprised, really to find out a few of these hons have been given mucho green to appear on TPS’ arm. And Tubby likes things that way. Why, you ask? 'Cause so many execs, stars and jokers all the way around in this town have done the same. Charlie Sheen, anyone? Tubby just adores how all this ersatz cutie-and-cleavage to-do makes him appear one of the butch boys, in the end. Because—and you haven’t been reading this missive very long if you haven’t guessed what’s coming round the boy-toy bend—the hooker sensibility helps keep folks' snoopin’ noggins off the fact that Tubby equally (not completely, like Pricey, above) loves doin’ the dirty with the guys, too. See, Tubby’s something truly rare in this town: an utter bisexual. He’ll sleep with anything. Actually, maybe that’s not so unusual, after all. P.S.: We think Tubby’s boob-tube boss peeps are, like, totally in the know on this one, 'cause they already have the PR war plan in the works, should Tub’s sizable, and very innocent, audience start sniffin’ the truth.
And it ain't: Jimmy Smits, Jimmy Kimmel, James Spader

Ted's hints in the "and it aints" alone tell me that Tubby Pay Stub is possibly a James or Jimmy. And it was someone that everyone guessed last week as Pricey Dicey. Let's go over our options - James Gandolfini (my guess for P.D., been with trashy women, and he has James in his name). Kelsey Grammer, William Shatner, and Drew Carey were some good guesses from last week. Kevin James also fits, he is a sitcom figure and has James in his name. I also think Kiefer Sutherland is a good pick for this one. And I know Ted loves all gossip Kiefer related! One thing Ted points out is that he has an innocent audience. When I see that I think American Idol... Ryan Seacrest or Simon Cowell.

Other thoughts ... comment!


Rufus II said...

Ted said today (7/13/10) that kelsey grammer has never been the subject of a B.V. He's out as Pricey Dicey.

Dear Ted:
Has Kelsey Grammer ever been a Blind Vice? He admitted to sleeping with his older kids' babysitter and has struggled with drug and alcohol problems in the past. Since his third wife, who is divorcing him, was a former Playmate, can infidelity (i.e. kinky sex?) be the reason?
—Mo Maryland

Dear Grammer Nazi:
Kelsey? Kinky? Not quite. Truth be told, the guy has handled his divorce adroitly and just candidly enough to quell down possible press coverage that could have ended with a disgraced Kelsey and a reality show for Camille. And no, he hasn't been a Vice. We'll see if his future dating adventures make him one.