One Matronly Messing Around Blind Vice

NEW BV

Blind Vice: Who's Wife is a Surfer-Slurpin' Slut?


Call it One Matronly Messing Around Blind Vice. Shirley Surly's a very famous half to a highly visible couple these days. Both spouses are good looking. Both married types act like they're friggin' single, and they've done this for years.
Not saying they've had orgies after the PTA meetings every other Tuesday, just that these two ain't exactly a Tom-and-Rita-type duo, not at all. And even though Shirley and her man are currently doing their damnedest to patch things up, we're told it's just because they want to look more together in their fancy neighborhood (what a friggin' lame reason, obviously this latest effort at a unified domestic front is so not going to work).
Shirley's bitchy friends—who just adore the Awful Truth, thank get-even heavens—are most def not buying this nascent happy-couple act. And their fave reason for citing why they insist S2's attempt is not going to last? "Her affair with the surfing instructor," bellowed one of these big-haired broads. "They're just never going to get past it, I don't think."
Love! It's all like some movie Aaron Spelling would have written before he croaked, starring Donna Mills or Lori Loughlin, or somebody. Maybe he did? Anyway, things don't look too sweet for sour Shirl's and her hubby—a happy 'n' squeaky ending does not appear forthcoming, promise. 'Cause the hunky dude with the board ain't the only cat in this pussy's bag.
And It Ain't: Kate Capshaw, Anette Bening, Hillary Clinton

Comments...
*** Our top suspect: Cindy McCain
*** Update Nov. 13 - Ted has hinted that this is indeed Cindy McCain!

Vintage BV: Crisp Lisp

We haven't yet posted the old BV about Crisp Lisp, from Awful Truth a few years ago. We will post it here and who was eliminated ASAP. In the meantime, Ted has eliminated Ludacris, who was a top guess. I always thought CL was Joaquin Phoenix. But Ted's response today throws me off.

Dear Ted:
Hope married life is treating you well...My hubby is being a royal pain in the ass the past couple of days. Anyhow, the old B.V. with Crisp Lisp is Ludacris! Am I close? Could we get an update on Crisp, or is he just chilling and laying low? Thanks for the guilty pleasure!
—Kristen, Houston
Dear Southern Hospitality:
We're all pains in the asses at some point, right? And sometimes in a de-lish, way, eh? As to Crisp, love, please, think less doable, by far.

???

Here it is - from March 8 2006 -

One Fellah-Flirting-in-Public Blind Vice

It had to happen.

Toothy Tile, you're toast. You've been so damn taken with the breathless watching of whether or not you'd maybe, just maybe, decide to come outta the closet you thought you'd keep your fans (not to mention my readers) on the edge of their slippery seats forever. Think again.

'Cause, girlfriend, there's a new gay in town--meet Crisp Lisp. And he's way cooler. Actually new isn't quite the right word to describe C.L., but more on him in a sec.

Let's face it. T2 was going to be dethroned as King of the Closet one of these days. Everyone is bored, already. I mean, come out or stay in, it's your call. But the way Toothy prances about (lately), never really making any statements that give us something to chomp on, is just plain aggravating.

Yes, I am much more impressed by Crisp Lisp. On Oscar night, he attended one of the hottest-ticket bashes in this damn town. And he didn't go alone. He was with his date--a very nice, if shy, dude. The two made no secret that they were on a romantic outing. And by this fetching factoid, I don't mean to imply they were sucking face and groping each other. I mean, Tara Reid C.L. is not and never will be.

Rather, Crisp and his paramour just kinda chilled. Held hands. Whispered low. Gazed longingly into each other's bedroom eyes, blah-pre-poke-behavior
-blah. Sure, everyone knew what was going on and that this is pretty much C.L.'s first foray into serious gay-relationship territory.

I wanna wish C.L. luck. And even though Crisp has a detractor, or three, in this town (who friggin' doesn't?), well, who can hold a grudge against new love?

Oh, and if you think you've seen C.-hon at a lot of high-profile parties lately, you're right. You totally have.

And It Ain't: Jonathan Rhys Myers, Terence Howard, Matt Dillon

* The people Ted eliminated are: Jonathan Rhys Myers, Terence Howard, Matt Dillon, Lance Bass, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Brandon Routh, Nick Lachey, Ludacris.

Top suspect: Joaquin Phoenix

One Spoiled-Starlet Blind Vice

New Blind Vice:

One Spoiled Starlet Blind Vice

Quite surprisingly, life is unfortunately ugly right now for Ooma Offspring, talent-less terror 'bout town. See, certain Biz dealings can be a tough swallow for the mucho rich, wannabe actress, not that you'd even know it.
O2 is very much the black sheep of her quasi-famous clan, as she's not exactly as gifted as the rest of her fam members, certainly not as fetching. Celebrated life is cruel! And sometimes poor Double O has to bullishly bear the brunt of nasty-ass jokes, but the latest one is happening behind the scenes and behind 'Ma's back (until now of course).
O.O. has been gearing up to go on a publicity tour for her latest pro endeavor, which is coming out soon, so like any "star" on a project, the corporation usually fronts the green for its talent's hair and makeup.
Natch, Ooma's peeps have been insisting on the best of the best in necessary beautifying professionals, and the suits are very reluctant to dish out the moola required. In their opinion, Offspring's not worth the makeover dough because she's just too unfortunate looking, and no Ken Paves is going to change that (highly biased, admittedly) fact.
So sad, 'cause members of O's equally famous extended fam are all devastatingly gorge with solid acting careers to match. What's a wannabe to do? (Pay for it yourself, sister, like, hello?)
And it ain't: Bindi Irwin, Lordes Leon, Ali Lohan

I have an idea who this is.... Please comment!


* Our top guess: Rumer Willis *

*** Update Feb 25 2009 - We were correct! Ted has semi-revealed this to be Rumer Willis. ***

Ted doesn't use two names for same person!

This is important information from Ted! He revealed in a letter response today that he does NOT use different nicknames for the same person. We were never given that information before, and in fact have suspected the same person for more than one BV in the past. This has been a topic of hot debate. Now we know!

Here is the letter about this in Ted's column today:

Dear Ted:
Has Crotch Uh-Lastic ever invited Toothy Tile to swim in his pool? Have you ever used two different monikers for the same person?
—Peter, New York City

Dear Peter Patrol:
I believe no, and certainly not. That would be like double skinny-dipping!

One Skanky N' Straight Blind Vice

New from Ted...

Friday Fun! One Skanky N' Straight Blind Vice

Hold on to your hetero panties, ladies, because quite unlike Crotch Uh-Lastic, we've got a far straighter (for real) predator in town. Humpy, quasi-gorgeous reality-star Dexter Lecter likes to lurk around the Hell-Ay club scene looking for his fix or fixes, we should say—for purposes of full-disclosure journalism, as we know that's real important to all you horny hon-pies!—for the night. And let me tell ya, this addict never runs out of willing victims.

See, D.L.'s minifame is rather new, but it's building faster than his body parts, as D.L.'s dating (ha!, doing is more like it) a rather standout character on one of those catty faux reality shows we all can't get enough of. Admit it. Right now. Of course, you live for watching this crap as much as we do.

Despite Dexty's shy game onscreen, he gets quite lucky, big-time when the cameras aren't rolling. His attractiveness is def a help in the female-fishing department, but look—and this is what we've really gotta dish 'bout—his not-so-coy pickup lines scream: SoCal slut of all time. Yum, yum, right?

Uh, not really. Think of it as desultory mix between Porta-Potbelly and Gerard Butler, take a peek: "I can only f--k you in a couple positions, but don't worry, it will be great," he whispered in the ear of one too-too gorgeous T-town hottie who was kind enough to run and tattle right to A.T.! And how lame can you get—only two friggin’ positions? So gay.

What sort of player can get away with such a crass statement? Better yet, what sort of gal goes along with this? Too many, 'cause neighbors see gals galore going in and out of Lecter's hills home 'round the clock. If only D.L.'s reality GF knew. Trust, she doesn't now, but will soon.

And it ain't: Jason Wahler, Brody Jenner, Michael Lohan

Please comment!

* Update 8/20 - Ted has excluded Bret Michaels, David Cook, Reggie Bush.

*** UPDATE 8/25 - Ted has revealed Dexter Lecter to be Doug Reinhardt! ***

Blind Vice Friday - "Closeted Stars are Dummies!"

Here's the new Blind Vice - it's done differently due to Ted's new layout:

Blind Vice Friday! Closeted Stars are Dummies!
This is just great. Not only is Crotch Uh-Lastic, whom you all met last week—-and whom I could have sworn it would be at least a few weeks before we all said hullo to again—really does have his brains stuffed deep inside his paramours’ overly tight swimsuits. See, the big-screen idol, whose pics make all kinds of bucks because their themes are all so brilliantly multiplatform, is doing things just like Toothy Tile. Now that word’s just beginning to get out that Crotch loves to lure "straight" men back to his Hollywood pad and have them don all sorts of skimpy swimwear (just so CUL can slowly take it right off), Crotchy-poo’s pullin’ an emergency Toothy!
Suddenly, Crotch's rarely seen (female) significant other is out at events more. Suddenly, the S.O.'s mentioned in media interviews. Suddenly, the S.O., who’s more East Coast based, is in Hell-Ay! None of this happened until more than just days prior to last week's baddy Blind, believe me. Oh, and then—quite the opposite—gone missing are Mr. U.L.’s previously very homo-friendly statements to the press. It’s all so Rock Hudson, really. Or Toothy Tile, as I said before. Now, a word to the surreptitious swim fan: T2, even though a surprisingly large amount of folks are buying this ersatz domesticity you're pulling off so well in the tabloids and such, it ain’t gonna work with you, bro. At least, not while you’re having nooky delivered to your house in limos. At least Tooth keeps it somewhat discreet with the BF!

And it ain't: The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy

Oh, now this combined with last week (see below), this is soooo James Franco.

Here is the link to the other Crotch-Uh-Lastic Blind Vice from Aug 1, '08
And here is the one from Nov 20 '09.  And Oct 8 '10.

* Update 6/17/11: Ted has eliminated The Rock, Matthew Broderick, P Diddy, Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Downey Jr., Ryan Gosling, Josh Harnett, Ryan Phillipe, Kevin Spacey, Adam Brody, Chris Kattan, Brody Jenner, John Mayer, Derek Hough, Alexander Skarsgard, Matthew Fox, Ryan Phillippe, Zac Efron, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Cruise, Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, Alexander Skarsgård, Garrett Hedlund, Stephen Moyer, Chris Colfer.

Shout out from Ted...

I believe Ted Casablanca has given us a shout out. When he revealed the Faye Dunaway Blind Vice the other day, he titled that section "Blind Vice Exposed!". I've never seen him use that term before, so I think it was his way of saying he likes our site. :)

Anyway, what do you all think of Ted's new format? I know he has been saying for a while that he wanted to blog to keep current as news happens, rather than have a once daily column. But I preferred it the old way. Thoughts?

Awful Truth mini-blind

Ted has a second blind item hidden in his column today:

Girls Going, Going, Gone
And as long as we’ve gotten off to a hideously snitty start, let’s keep it up, mes chères! Two T-town babes are being very bitched about behind their supersvelte backs. One we’ll name; one we won’t (well, at least, not right this sec).

Ted then goes off on a tangent about Kate Hudson... then writes the following:

Also, there’s a very high-profile dame in town who might want to start getting better friends. Her serpent-tongued amigas are selling out their girlfriend—who’s divorcing from her creepazoid , very rich hubby—right and left, talking crap about her everywhere. Hosts are complaining about having to “choose” which half of the splitting couple they’ll invite to parties. What a dilemma! Seating plans trump mental anguish any day in H'wood, right? No one cares about said potential divorcée, in the least, only about her soon-to-be-ex-schmuck’s money. Women, per usual, are expendable in this town. Never the green.

Guess in a comment!

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice

Ted's latest BV Aug 1:

Lead-ins:

Mischief Mavens
Toothy Tile's got some big-box (office) competition with a similarly closeted mega movie star who's awfully kinky by the pool—check it out in Blind Vice Friday!

Drowning in Deceit
Crotch Uh-Lastic is the latest T-town lad to loosen his gay inhibitions—as long as he's at home by the pool with a damn-near porn script! Check it out in an all-wet, all-new Blind Vice!

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice

Toothy Tile, doll-hon, you’ve met your homo match. ‘Cause there’s a new rising, closeted star in town (actually, he’s been rising for, like, ages now, but, whatev) who’s putting your clandestine, closeted—not to mention kinky!—ways to shame. Maybe you know him? Name’s Crotch Uh-Lastic. Ring a bell, babe? Thought so.
Now, keep in mind, Toothy and Crotch have never made a flick together, though they do both go in for the same roles rather often. Similar brooding thing going on. You know, that tough yet tangible, touchable, almost boyish loveliness, a little crusty on the sides, too. Know the type? Oh who cares about actor oeuvre, let’s get to the dirty part and oozing sex outta control, my little horn-hons!
So Crotch, like a lot of his hetero counterparts in this Biz, is all wrapped up in fantasy. Whereas Toothy likes it dangerous and out in the open—Hollywood parking lots, anybody?—Crotch prefers his assignations played out as if they were the plots of one of his artier flicks (he's had plenty). This is how the boy likes it: He chooses a stud, latest one being a straight—wink, wink, right—trainer who’s busy trying to get a modeling/acting/smoldering-look career going and asks him to come over to the Hollywood pad. Mr. U.-L. has an East Coast home, too, but the pool in his Hollywood hang is so much fun for game playing. The man-meat Crotch has selected is told, beforehand, to await his limo ride to the Hell-Ay house and, once he arrives, to head straight to the pool area, adorned with chaise lounges. On these tastefully tufted settees, like little lost Saks Fifth Avenue summer catalog lovelies, lay various box-cut (never Speedo, how Matthew McConaughey!) swim trunks.
Silently, oh so discreetly, the stud-for-hire is then told to take off all his clothes and put on any of the suits he likes, at which point Crotch struts out and the inevitable seduction, complete with end-of-the-show water works, begin. And Crotch can only get the ol’ equipment up and hosing, I’m told, if said scenario is pursued.
How damn exhausting. Whatever happened to a little sweat, not too much intrigue and even fewer props? Is that so old-fashioned? For Crotch, the answer would be yes.
And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey

* Our top suspect: James Franco.
Here is the link to the other Crotch-Uh-Lastic BV on Aug 8, '08 including a full list of those eliminated.
Here is CUL BV from Nov 20, '09.  And the most recent Oct 8, '10.

Ted gives us a hint of tomorrow's BV

Ted has already started dishing about tomorrow's Blind Vice...

Read Herring?
Oh, before we get to such scintillating bits ‘n’ boobiness—means Tori Spelling's on the way, trust—must tell you all that I dare say Toothy Tile must be paying a very well known, blockbuster-starring actor to homo-outdo his gay ways. Hate to be a tease ‘n’ all (that’s a damn lie), but you’ll just have to wait until Friday’s Blind Vice to find out the deets, hon-childs. I mean, maybe that nasty fag bitch Christopher Ciccone really has let loose something in the celeb air right now, what with his sibling-stabbing memoirs and the hilarious Cristina Crawford-esque interviews he’s pulling ‘round town. ‘Cause Toothy’s new matinee rival is pulling really over-the-top, stereotypical Rock Hudson retro sex shenanigans. Delish, can’t wait to tell you all!

Lainey - Unpaid Bills

New from Lainey today -

Unpaid Bills

You’d think they’d be liquid, you know? Flush from the funds of so many different projects, across so many different mediums, by so many different sources.

But that’s the thing with celebrities. They’re richer than we are, to be sure, but some of them really aren’t THAT rich, especially when you factor in the lifestyle. Being not that rich isn’t a problem. Being not that rich and not paying your bills is a big problem. Being not that rich, not paying your bills, but still spending your balls off is a huge problem.

So they have projects around the house. Some construction here, some wiring there, installations, renovations...it never stops. It never stops because they keep having to hire new people. Inevitably the invoice will arrive, they won’t be able to pay it, so they end up calling someone else to finish the job. They don’t pay those people either.

How f&cking ghetto, non???

Like people who keep taking out credit card after credit card? Only these assholes are wealthy! They have jobs! They earn celebrity salaries!

Which means they’re too stupid to manage their finances and too cheap to figure out their finances before satisfying their non-urgent, vanity-motivated projects at the expense, literally, of labourers and small business owners who trusted the wrong millionaires.

Slowly but surely, they’ve pretty much exhausted the entire contracting community in town, verging on blacklist, and are now several hundred thousand dollars in the hole to several companies in Hollywood. Word is they’re facing legal action, and even a lien on their property...

Probably the reason behind the new round of exploitation. They need the cash.

But do we still care?

A few years ago, before everyone and their eyebrow stylist had a reality show, it was a novel concept. Now? Now they’re totally almost irrelevant – the proof in that lies in a deal one of them tried to strike with the paps recently.

She needed cash so badly, she arranged for some “candids” in exchange for a few quid. Unfortunately her images weren’t selling and the photographers cut her off.

Shame!

Word is, even Phoebe Price out-earns her...

In this economy, how will they ever recover?

* Update Aug 8 - Lainey has eliminated Tori Spelling & Dean, The Beckhams, Courtney Cox, Mel B, Katherine Heigl, Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner, Pam Anderson.

* Top suspects: On 8/27 Lainey has hinted that this is The Osbournes.

One Fruit-of-the-Doom Blind Vice

Another Toothy Tile BV! 7/25/08:

Lead-ins

Back and Ballsier Than Ever
Our beloved mystery closet job, Toothy Tile, is back, dancing the out-me dance yet again in Blind Vice Friday.

Blind Vice, Don't Tempt Me
Toothy Tile makes it perfectly clear he's 100 percent certain this very column will never reveal his identity. Hmmm. That one is so funny, Toothy. Reminds me I forgot to tell you all that once my divorce comes through, I'll be engaged to the remaining unmarried Bush daughter!

One Fruit-of-the-Doom Blind Vice

OK, was going to do the Blind Vice story on the Academy Award-friendly actress who thinks her cats can read, which is why she has their names written on their separate litter boxes, but that tale simply pales in comparison to Toothy Tile, who’s back and gayer than, like, ever! Dude’s losin’ his recent, overly prissy, shy shit and gettin’ his non-Nellie nerve back on (much to everyone’s surprise, just not mine).

See, ol’ Tooth, our fave partner in sex-in-public crime is being just as brazen, only with words, not his crotch. The pretty boy (man, on occasion) is gleefully telling more than a few gossipy girls—which means boys, natch, in highly exaggerated fagola speak, but then, I’m sure you already knew that, hon-cakes—that he’s quite aware the hunt for his identity is on. And has been for sometime. Says he enjoys it, even. Who wouldn’t, really? Especially if you’re dead certain your identity will never be revealed. Yep, that’s right.

T2 says he’s havin’ such a fab gay ol’ experience of it all because he’s “sure,” as it’s been relayed to this columnist, that the true identity of Mr. Tile will never, ever be discussed by yours truly. Oh, really? Is that so?

Just don’t count on it, bud. What with the myriad lies to the public (I mean, really, you’re as bad about your true sexual persuasion as Cathy Douglas is with her age), you're on thin vice, babe, so watch it.

And it ain't: Matthew Broderick, Ricky Martin, Wentworth Miller

* See our other Toothy Tile posts for the others that have been eliminated. The list of people Ted has excluded is updated as needed and can be found here. Once again we are claiming Toothy is Jake Gyllenhaal.

Lainey - Bad Haired and Bug-Eyed

From Lainey 7/24 -

Bad Haired and Bug Eyed

Which actor has been much too egotistical and much too energetic on press tour recently? Let’s start with the ego first:

He’s not exactly Brad Pitt or the GMD on fame terms and still he travels with a crazy security team and insists on sweeping every location before he will enter. Who the f&ck are you??? Even his own management is snickering at his grossly exaggerated sense of entitlement – hit movies don’t necessarily equate to international superstardom, and while his box office might be lucrative, his celebrity status is decidedly modest.

Still…he insists on super stealth, secret service style maneuvers, and has hilariously mandated that while in public he be referred to by “code name” only. It becomes even funnier when the newly single megalomaniac happens upon an attractive woman. The woman is hustled through stairwells and hallways before their tryst – a procedure so elaborate that last week, his chosen partner for the evening ended up so rattled by the time she arrived at his room, she was no longer in the mood to participate.

And his paranoia is getting worse. It started out as a quirk - several weeks ago he was enthusiastic and perhaps a little particular, but not a paranoid freak. A little blow here and there for extra energy though has become more of a habit and he is getting CRANKED at work. To the point where more than a few journalists have remarked about his over-animated behaviour, as a timid reporter from Asia was frightened and confused during an interview when he became angry at her for refusing to sing karaoke with him. Sorry…I’m a bitch. I had to laugh about that.

Be thankful, dude, for a good publicity team. And for the fact that at the end of the day, it’s really only you.

Update 7/29 - Lainey has eliminated Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Shia LaBeouf, Joaquin Phoenix, Mike Myers, Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

** Top suspect: Brendan Fraser **

Update 1/14/09 - Lainey hints this is Brendan Fraser as we suspected. See comments.

One Desperate-Diva Blind Vice

Ted July 17 -

It’s amazing I don’t write these more often, the clinging-onto-celeb-life-with-all-the-surgeried-muscle-
they-can-muster brand o’ Blind Vices. Could it be they hit too close to home for this fortysomething columnist who wonders if he should start embarking on all the plastic-puss opportunities available in this über-vain town? Nah, not today, at least. But do take Sheila Muff-Driver, an attractive enough gal who plans on selling her fading sexuality until she drops and who hasn't shied away from all that docs can do for her, trust. ‘Course, not that long ago, Sheila-love was the hoochie-coochie toast of T-town, and I don’t mean just for being a superscrumptious babe, but for her great beauty and arguable talent, too. The Academy Awards even gave her notable recognition at one time, but alas, that was back when SMD had a modicum of professionalism to offer her colleagues, as opposed to the perk-filled, ridiculously absurd existence Sheila's life has now become.

She goes through assistants faster than Botox needles. She fires reps of all sorts (managers, agents, etc.) who were just trying to do her a charitable favor in the first place—as Ms. Muff-Driver did, at one time, have such promise. And she still could, mind you, if she’d just stop injecting her body with every fountain-of-youth concoction out there and let what’s left of her face just be. So, you know, she could move it, utilize it and such, as actors are wont to do. But instead, all Sheila gets today are offers to do benefits and interviews about her once-golden career. And it was one occasion for the latter—in a documentary being put together by an established director who could ostensibly help reenergize Ms. M.-D.’s career—in which Sheila was set to be prominently featured.

Although, true to deranged spoiled form, when the producer rang up to finalize the schedule, Sheila barked back: “You know, I don’t get out of bed for less than $40,000 a day.”

Sheila’s still under the covers, by the by, her latest opportunity at anything close to a comeback having been quashed, yet again, by herself.

Maybe next time this happens, just go and shoot the bitch in her bed? Just a thought. Would be fitting on so many levels.

And it ain't: Whitney Houston, Blythe Danner, Diahann Carroll

* Update 7/29 - Ted has eliminated Meg Ryan, Diana Ross, Sharon Stone

**** August 4 - Ted has revealed that Sheila Muff Driver is Faye Dunaway. ***

One Rent-A-Wreck Blind Vice

From Ted July 10-

Oh, this is a cruel town, and I can be an equally snitty columnist, sorry. You try growing up a fruit in Texas and get back to me. Until then, let’s dish up Pickled Fickle, shall we? See, Mr. F’s not in a great way these days. Career ain’t what it used to be, and his bedroom notches certainly aren’t what they used to tally up to, either. And take it from moi, all this mattress and life sadness has nothin’ to do with P.F.’s split with his honey recently. Ol’ P-man was certainly stepping out on his lady long before their recent bust up, I assure you. But like a lot of closeted stars in this town, P.F.got used to having it his way—meaning the gal and all the guys he wanted. Until...gravity and genes set in. And I’m not only talkin’ getting old here, hons, I’m talking the whole he-bang, as in the ever-awful three W’s: weight, wrinkles and wondering (as in what went wrong).

P.F.’s got those so big time right now—in fact, he’s very nearly delirious with the three W’s. He actually said to a pal whose shoulder he was crying on not long ago, “Maybe I should just go back to hooking.” Oh, darlin’. I dare say you’re in the category now where you have to dole out the green, babycakes. You been smokin’ somethin’ you picked up below the border? Damn, Sweets. Look in the friggin’ mirror.

And it ain't: Mike Myers, Russell Simmons, David Duchovny

Update 7/29 - Ted has eliminated Val Kilmer, Matt LeBlanc, Heather Locklear.

Comment away...

Lainey: 7/18/08

Commitment Crisis?

They were supposed to have kicked their bad habit together. A partnership in blow became a commitment effort to get clean. And for a while they were successful.

But he was the weaker one. And he’s been using again for a while.

The problem, one of many obviously, is that when he’s cranked, he’s also very aggressive. Some say he’s mixing his powder with some muscle juice and the coke/steroid combination brings out the roughneck which has presented many challenges for his publicist.

Fortunately his publicist is almost as clever as Jessica Biel's. Was able to turn spin a recent skirmish into an heroic rescue. The truth is, he was so jacked up on the good stuff he had to take it out on someone else’s head.

As for his wife...well she has a boyfriend. His name is Jesus. With her new devoutness has come an almost unbearable sanctimony, not to mention intolerance – for his lifestyle, for his binges – so much so that they are finding it increasingly difficult to be together, though like the Beckhams, they are a brand too.

One big happy family...fraud!

Comment below!!

* Update 7/29 - Lainey has eliminated: Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale, Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony, Will Smith & Jada Pinkett Smith, Kevin Bacon & Kyra Sedgwick, Sean Penn & Robin Wright Penn, Katie & Peter, Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin, Johnny Depp & Vanessa Paradis, Tobey Maguire & Jen Mayer.

* Our top guess: Faith Hill & Tim McGraw *

Perez Not-So-Blind Item

Not-So-Blind from Perez - July 8

What 'licious singer arrived in the Ottawa airport yesterday completely smashed???

She was so drunk that she needed assistance from her bodyguard to exit the plane and make her way through customs.
At least she didn't pee herself (again)!

Fergie.

One Lard-Sass Blind Vice

Happy 4th of July! Here's Ted's latest blind vice...

Lead-ins

Red, White, n' Stew
Our coke-stoked sex-a-luscious Blind Vice today is big, bad
and burly—can you guess who our stupid mystery man is? (Betcha can!)

Snackin' n' Snortin' with the Stars
Porta-Potbelly's got a craving for candy—the regular gumdrop variety, as well as the
sweet stuff that goes in your schnoz. Good thing his latest projects have
propelled him into the limelight—and into a lotta ladies' laps. It's also shot
him right into our Blind Vice alley of dubious
behavior. Welcome, P.P.!

One Lard-Sass Blind Vice

So, Porta-Potbelly hit it big. In every way. Dude's not
only got debatable mirthful acting abilities, but a frame that's rather
oversized, not exactly the prettiest pic in Hollywood, an enclave built almost
entirely around how you look. So, P.P. can be forgiven, one
supposes, if he hits clubs and parties and chooses to let his fame do the
seducing, as Size-0 God knows, P.P. wouldn't stand a chance in Hades with these
glittering gaga chicks were he not famous. Just like with the rockers, ya know,
same principle precisely. (And if you don't believe me here, just look at the
ugly-butt who's the latest entry into the Paris Hilton School of Sex Tapes,
Mini-Me Verne Troyer.)
And there P2 is, hitting up dive bar after dive bar in
H-town, with his almost-equally famous dork-butt amigo. Porta moves right in on
three chicks he desires to have directly beneath his quivering, jiggly
flesh—only problem, he can't decide which one! Perhaps this is why Porta pulls
out the blow, to help him hone a plan, who the ef knows. Or maybe it's to
impress the babes, who, trust, are already majorly taken with the Big
Star.
Porta's clearly a man who's new to ruling this kind of scenester
debauchery, as he broke Rules No. 1 (Let them come to you), No. 2 (Do your blow
in the stall, just like the rest of T-town does), and, most importantly, No. 3
(Seduce and select them all, not just one, you dimwit). And like the horny moron
he is, Mr. Potbelly wiped his schnoz, told the one babe he preferred to move
it—and back to his chic, artist-like Hell-Ay residence they hightailed
it.
Uh, what I want to know is why the hell these babes do it. Is possibly
getting smothered by an arguably gifted ape with a most challenging coiffure
really worth the 15 minutes of infamy it's going to afford you? Nevermind,
ladies, I already know the answer. Forgive me for even asking, that was the
dumberest thing I've done all week.

And it ain't: Tyler Perry, Brandon Davis, Jorge Garcia

* Update 7/15 - Not Jack Black, Horatio Sanz, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill.

Our top suspect: Seth Rogen,

Post your guess in a comment!