It's barely legal (heterosexual, for a damn change) nooky time in Friday’s Blind Vice!
Leading Shady
For this week’s One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice, take your bestest gander at which supposedly snitty ‘n’ classy movie gal is a totally easy score, if you just give her fancy enough trappings when you try to bed her. Busybody guessers, take your mark...
One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice
Love Life is a smart flick that became a megahit with everyone from teens to adults, with some critical trophy amour thrown in for good measure. Shark Wankberg, a supersuccessful catch (some say), was the main man behind funding the somewhat quirky film. However, the only reason the damn movie got greenlighted in the first place wasn’t because of the offbeat script that floated all over T-town, but because Sharky wanted to sleep with terribly classy Sheila Slurp-Never, who was famously attached to the project.
See, Sheila’s been a rising star since she first stepped onto the silver screen. Shee-babe’s respected and talented—not to mention quite doable—and S.W. set his sights on bedding the hon some time ago, trust. But as Ms. Slurp-Never puts up such a good act of being the pissy, high-minded brainy type, the horny dude never thought he had a chance getting the broad between the sheets. But that certainly didn’t mean Shark didn’t try his utter best.
Mr. Wankberg saw to it to lay out the cash to get Love’s production rolling along, using his producer power as an excuse to get closer to SSN. And sometime during the filming of the movie that would actually turn out to make millions, Sharky finagled an opportunity to wine and dine Sheila on his yacht, and they did, indeed, do the deed. Turned out to be a piece o’ (very expensive) nooky cake for Shark, much to his slutty surprise.
Regardless, the S’s stealthy sexploits were kept hush-hush—could it be because SSN is a few decades Shark’s junior? Or maybe it’s because Sheila found out about Sharkie’s funding favor for the film and felt obligated to him? Doubt it. She be a horncat, that babe.
On a power-salacious side-note, Ms. Slurp-Never’s costar was also sneaking beneath the sheets with one of the flick’s other producer-types, though less scandalously so since their ages (and intentions) were more on the same page. Boring!
And it ain't: Parker Posey, Jamie-Lynn Spears, Virginia Madsen
Update 1/31/11 - Ted has eliminated Parker Posey, Jamie-Lynn Spears, Virginia Madsen, Scarlett Johannson, Reese Witherspoon, Keira Knightley, Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt, Michelle Williams/Spike Jonze
Our top suspects:
Sheila Slurp-Never: Natalie Portman
Shank Wankberg: ?
First thought - Juno. Ellen Page and Jason Reitman were rumored to be seen together.
ReplyDeleteMy guess: Shakespeare in Love. The title fits in with "Love Life"; it had a number of producers, including the Weinstein Bros.; and Gwyneth Paltrow seems to fit the "terribly classy" description much better than Ellen Page.
ReplyDeleteSS-N sounds so much like Natalie Portman. She has been a rising star since The Professional. The movie Love Life does not fit her though... thoughts?
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking a couple: Keira Knightley (movie to which she's famously attached and that it's been delayed and taking a while is The Edge of Love, but it's not even released), Anne Hathaway (I thought Devil Wears Prada wouldn't really fit but according to the wikipedia entry, it might - plus it "only" costed 35 mill. and has grossed ten times more - ??) or Natalie Portman (Garden State, Closer?). I'm leaning towards Anne Hathaway because of what Laney wrote recently about her.
ReplyDeleteMovies that could be: Juno (I think this is written for us to think Juno/Ellen Page), Little Miss Sunshine, Thank You for Smoking (Katie Holmes?), Garden State, Little Children (?) - Love Actually, Bend it like Beckham or any other British film that was successful in the US is out if we take the offbeat script that floated all over T-town. Was Juno totally made in Canada?
I think it is an actress who was "barely legal" around the time it was filmed. Scarlett Johanson, Lost In Translation, and maybe David O. Russell? I think he helped finance the movie. Good looking (catch)...not sure,just throwing it out there. Someone else guessed Shakespeare in Love,that's a good guess.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking Scarlett Johannson and Woody Allen, or Katherine Heigl and ??? I don't like BV's like these, there are too many options.
ReplyDeleteMark Walberg & ???
ReplyDeletei know what you mean, blurry. Too many combinations. I think Mark wahlberg is too obvious. All we know that he is producing are a few HBO shows.
ReplyDeleteYeah Shanky Wankberg sounds too much like Mark Wahlberg but I was thinking more Harvey Weinstein than Marky-Mark.
ReplyDeleteActually, back to Natalie Portman. When she was in Garden State, she was rumored to have dated Zach Braff for a while (who could be the guy close to her age). I looked into it, and there is an executive producer on that film named Michael Shamberg (sounds like Wankberg). He is older with gray hair, but decent looking. These three fit.
ReplyDeleteWait, I had a brain fart. It is the co-star of Sheila Slurp-Never that was dating a producer type her age. Never mind. I wonder if the name "Sheila Slurp-Never" has any relation to Slurpa Pop-Off (Paris Hilton)? What is with the slurps?
ReplyDeleteIt still would fit- w/ the older producer- but Natalie P. was 22 or so when she filmed Garden State. I'm still going w/ Lost In Translation-ScarJo was only 18 when she filmed it.
ReplyDeleteLost in Translation was written by Sofia Coppola and produced by her father FFC and herself - yes, there're other producers listed on imdb but it looks like a clear case of the Coppolas cooking their own soup and therefore, the chances of the script floating around T-town are slim, and so are the chances of a producer cashing-up just to bed beautiful ScarJo, I'd say.
ReplyDeleteHave you checked the Jessica Alba Theory (it deserves to be called that!) on the E! boards? I like the way she fits the "But as Ms. Slurp-Never puts up such a good act of being the pissy, high-minded brainy type" bit - the italics are Ted's, which possibly means her act is not so good? : D
Why do people keep guessing Ellen Page? This is someone who has obviously been famous for awhile, and Ellen Page has not been. I also would not describe her as "terribly classy" or "terribly doable."
ReplyDeleteIt can't be Gwyneth Paltrow - she isn't considered quite doable and I wouldn't describe her as having a pissy attitude. I also wouldn't describe Natalie Portman as being pissy.
ReplyDeleteI doubt this is about Scarlett Johanson. A lot has been written in the press about her being loose, plus she gave that interview where she said she didn't believe in monogamy.
ReplyDeleteall of these anonymous posts confuse me. anyway-I wouldn't call Jessica Alba "terribly classy" and Sin City (or any of her other movies for that matter) haven't won any major awards. Still wouldn't rule out some of the other people mentioned. I agree though that it's not Ellen Page but I don't see where anyone on here guessed her?
ReplyDeleteAgree in all fronts. Just wanted to put the Jessica Alba guess forward because I hate to deconstruct one guess without offering at least a new possibility.
ReplyDeleteThis one is just a bit impossible: a hollywood actress sleeping with a producer to get a role? Could be anyone!
Exactly. This one is way too vague to pick one person.
ReplyDeleteOK, for what is worth: Not ScarJo, not Reese W., not Keira Knightley. Hints on the mailbox (which I´m now taking with a pinch of salt):
ReplyDeleteDear Ted:
I finally solved one. Sheila Slurp-Never from One Same-Old, Shame Old Blind Vice is Keira Knightley and Shark Wankberg is Atonement producer Paul Webster. Yes!
Mike
Cincinnati
Dear No!
Good guess, good age, but wrong movie (and genre).
Dear Ted:
Please don't tell me Sheila Slurp-Never from One Same-Old, Shame Old Blind Vice is Reese Witherspoon. Don't know who funded Penelope...
Victoria
Cowpens, S.C.
Dear Piece of Reese:
She did. (Well, Reese-hon produced it through her Type A production co.) We ain’t pulling a trick BV here with Sheila and Shark being the same person, so keep guessin’—diff hair color, for starts.
Dear Ted:
Sheila Slurp-Never from One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice is Scarlett Johansson!
Ami
Chicago
Dear Scar-No:
Sorry, Ami-go. Scar-babe’s scot-free in this case. Same circle, though...
Thanks powerpuff. It's also not Brad and Angelina - "Wrong ages for both, nowhere near as overexposed as these two."
ReplyDeleteMissed that one, thanks. Ted has eliminated loads in one go, so I guess he knows we're at a loss. And not at such a loss, if the mailbox is to be trusted: If Keira Knightley/Atonement is good age, wrong film (and genre) and SS-N is from Scarlett's circle, whatever that is, then it could still be Natalie Portman (who he didn't eliminate, though it must have been a popular guess?). But I'm not convinced - neither Closer nor Garden State seem to completely fit. And it has to be something a bit more recent, no? Oh, and interestingly, he hasn't eliminated Ellen Page, either.
ReplyDeleteArgh - back to "it could be anyone"!
I'm late to comment on this one, but if I had to guess one person it would be Natalie Portman. Not sure what movie, but it just sounds like her, and the eliminations fit. She could be "in the same circle" with Scar-Jo, because they just made a movie together and seemed like friends in an interview I saw.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I think that "Slurp-Never" could mean "doesn't drink"? Who knows. Ted's nicknames are so weird.
It is Natalie Portman in the movie Garden State. The producer is Gary Gilbert. Zach Braff wrote the movie which floated around Hollywood but could not get made until Gary Gilbert stepped in to finance the movie himself. Portman was Braff's first choice for the role of Sam.
ReplyDeleteBut Portman wasn't famously attached to Garden State -- she had to take it because she couldn't get a lot of work after Star Wars. And it's not really a different genre than Lost in Translation -- both are indie dramedies.
ReplyDeleteI highly doubt her career was tarnished by Star Wars. Careers weren't tarnished nearly as much as the franchise. She got plenty of work, and still does. This was written a little later than the release of garden state, but it does mention the movie in past tense, like it had already made money and was out of the theaters. Still fits. I also think that the producer might have been Michael Shamberg (Wankberg).
ReplyDeleteOk, i always thought this one was about Portman. And now that Ted said Portman is, indeed, a BV offender, and I´be been making some research on old bvs again, I REALLY think this one is about her.
ReplyDeleteUpdating this one as Natalie POrtman for top suspect.
ReplyDeleteI disagree. On the Blind Vice message forum someone mentions that Ted notted Portman on his Twitter (though I can't find the tweet).
ReplyDeleteRe: Blind Vice Superstars!
Posted: Sep 15, 2009 5:45 PM in response to: Spiral in response to: Spiral
Ted notted Miley Cyrus for Me-Me Dallas....
and so is Natalie Portman for Shiela Slurp Never.
Seriously? I haven´t seen this notting from Ted. And I´m always trying to pay attention to it. Gonna give it a look.
ReplyDeleteThis blind vice was way before Ted was on Twitter.
ReplyDelete"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteWith all the attention your Blind Vices get, who would you say would be the most shocking revelation? What public persona is vastly and most unexpectedly different from their private (nasty/twisted/bizarre/gross, fill-in-the-blank) persona? The one where we'd go "Didn't see that one coming." Much love to your dogs.
—Vikings
Dear Good Question:
So many to choose from! Sheila Slurp-Never would definitely have people giving a certain babe a second, more suspicious look, and not just because of her actions we sassed about in her Blind Vice. There are more salacious doings where that came from."
"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteWhen you refer to Natalie Portman as "classy," you actually mean the opposite, don't you? And the "do-gooder" and "goody-two-shoes" references are the cover-up right? Also are her vices sexual, drug related or both? And has she been the subject of more than one Blind Vice?
—Curious
Dear Fishin' for the bad stuff:
Why would you take everything I said about Portman as the opposite? If I meant to say that she has vices and isn't classy, I would just say it, wouldn't I? And why do you want her to secretly be a lil' devil...is it a fantasy of yours or something?"
"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteNatalie Portman recently compared eating meat to rape, which I think is ridiculous since she signed that Child Rapist's Petition. I think Ms. Portman needs a wake-up call. And I know the perfect man to do it! You! Tell us her Blind Vice! Please?
—Leigh
Dear Portman Hater:
She doesn't need me to spell it out for you. "
"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteYou know I wonder about Natalie Portman sometimes. She seems to have everything going for her, yet she can't seem to hold down a romantic relationship for long. Admittedly she does do and say some things that make her seem like she could be insufferable in a relationship but is this a reason why she's a Blind Vice superstar?
—portfan
Dear Don't Cry for Portman:
Just because she doesn't fake romances doesn't mean anything's wrong with her. It's OK to be single, people! That's why we heart Nat, 'cause she dates by her own rules."
"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteAny hints on Tom Cruise's Blind Vice? You named Natalie Portman as a role model. I totally agree with you, but then if she's boring, why would she be a Blind Vice?
—Sai
Dear Veteran Vices:
Not sure what I can hint about Tom without giving it away. As for Nat, the Vice doesn't make her look bad."
Doesn't prove anything, but Portman did sign the "Free Polanksi" petition. This is from Ted's 10/2/09 Bitch-Back...
ReplyDeleteDear Ted:
Thank you for telling like it is. I'm talking about those kiss-ass Hollywood big shots that think raping a 13-year-old can be forgotten and forgiven (in that order). Michael Jackson had to die to make him a saint, and now Roman Polanski is a martyr after three days in jail? Do you have any Blind Vices from his Save the Raper club? Wouldn't that be fun and enlightening? P.S.: My husband says there's too much Robsten going on—I tried explaining to him...I know, I know.
—Mina
Dear Moral Compass:
Fascinating query. And yes, at least one dog Blind Vice alum is a Polanski defender, such the surprise.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteI love Natalie Portman. Please give me some info on her!
—Sun
Dear Portmanteau:
What do you want to know? Natalie's a badass, and everyone knows and loves it. She's also a picky lover and supersmart. Not much more to it! Have you seen the trailer for Black Swan? Looks uh-mah-zing."
From today's bitch back:
ReplyDeleteDear Ted:
What has Sheila Slurp-Never been up to lately?
–KJ
Dear Oldie:
She's settling down like a good prude should do!
Read more: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b219458_bitch-back_are_andrew_garfield_jesse.html#ixzz1Afom31Iv
"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteWhat has Sheila Slurp-Never been up to lately?
–KJ
Dear Oldie:
She's settling down like a good prude should do!"
"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteAre you surprised by Natalie Portman's sudden pregnancy and engagement? It seems out of character for her. Or is she not as squeaky-clean as she comes off? Does this have any relation to her B.V.? I am moving to Los Angeles next week, I can't wait!
—Dana
Dear Ice Queen:
Trust, this girl's only Vice is about how much of a prude she is. Correction, was. Not gonna lie, the way she started shacking up with her fiancé was a tad shady. Then again, what's to stand in the way of true love? Welcome to L.A.!"
Ok so today in the bb Ted said Shelia Slurp-Never was one of the Oscar Noms. I think that pretty much reveals her as Natalie Portman, seeing how Natalie is the only brunette in the group! (remember he did say she was the same age and what not as Keira Knightly and that blonde Reese had the wrong haircolor). I love when he makes it so darn obvious!!!
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm missing something, but what in this blind makes Sheila a prude? She slept with an older man who funded her film. Granted, it sounds like she just wanted to have fun, and it wasn't to further her career. So is it the fact that she didn't do anything particularly scandalous the reason why she's considered a prude? She just seems average to me.
ReplyDeleteKristen, I'm as confused as you are. He seems to be confirming Natalie for this, but he's said that her BV is about how prude she is. Sheila SlurpNever is a "horncat" according to Ted.
ReplyDeleteTed has also referred specifically to Sheila as a prude. Blurry vice posted the comment on January 11. But I can't figure out why he thinks that.
ReplyDeleteDear Ted:
ReplyDeleteSo now the Oscar noms are out, my guess is that there are three B.V.s among the acting nominees, am I right? Or are there more? And would it be out of the
question for you to tell us at least one B.V. name who is in the running?
—SJC
Dear Oscar Worthy or Vicey:
Only three, you are quite correct, how pathetically disappointing! Although there are one or two more potential candidates, for sure. And just because the
Oscars always put me in such a fabulously gay mood, maybe I'll reveal one Oscar Vice contender: Could Sheila Slurp-Never possibly be on this list?
Dear Ted:
You seem to think highly of Natalie Portman, who just recently became pregnant and engaged. The problem is her man was in a committed live-in relationship
until about three weeks before Nat debuted him as her boyfriend. Couldn't she just quietly enjoy her stolen man? Did she have to brag about how much he
really wanted to sleep with her at the Golden Globes? How cold, narcissistic, insensitive and tacky. And just unnecessary. Annette Bening for the win!
—skinnymermaid
Dear Not Feeling Nat:
I actually thought her speech at the Globes was pretty cutesy and totally candid. She hasn't been playing up the homewrecker role at all. The doll is pretty
much hiding that as much as possible. Let her get her moment. She rocked that role, and if she landed a semi-taken man while doing it, so be it.
As for the prude issue, I thought that too. But if you read this bv, it does say that the producer didn't think he had a chance with her -
ReplyDelete"But as Ms. Slurp-Never puts up such a good act of being the pissy, high-minded brainy type, the horny dude never thought he had a chance getting the broad between the sheets"
I think he means that she seems like a prude but she really isn't.
ReplyDelete"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteIs Sheila Slurp-Never Michelle Williams? Which would make Spike Jonze Shark Wankberg? I am horrible at guessing these but I love and so does my Havanese Rickie!
—Erin
Dear Slutty Valentine:
Nope, sorry doll! But she has been a Blind Vice, just didn't count her in Thursday's mail, dammit. So make that four...and super kisses to Rickie!"
"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteDoes Harvey Weinstein have a Blind Vice? Just saw a picture of him and Emma Watson. Eww.
—smtarchala
Dear Yucky:
Oh, Emma, steer clear, please. Weinstein is a boatfull of corruption. And to answer your query, he's had a supporting role in one.
"
Maybe the film was Garden State? It fits the clues and Miramax ponied up money at Sundance. Or Cold Mountain which was backed by Miramax.
ReplyDelete