Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Vintage BV: Shellack Attack, Meatless Member

 Since Ted brought back an old name, we dug up her old BV.  Here is the vintage Shellack Attack BV from July 2006.

Two Old-School Blind Vices: July 26, 2006

I swear, I'd love to tell you all the one about the reality-TV dude who's diddling other guys in the pools of Hollywood boy-boy shindigs, but that one's just as tired (ultimately) as the one I'm about to spill. I mean, come on. Okay, okay, so I will do--so to speak--the guy dish first: See, there's this boob-tube celeb who's, like, rather good-looking. Meatless Member has a nice face. Decent arms 'n' legs, sweet smile--but not exactly a whole lotta sausage cookin' in the kitchen down below. I mean, it was very nervy of M.M. to start having sex with other guys in the pool, what with every bitchy fag around, just waiting to spill the beans with no frank, as it were. But M. was horny, so he did anyway--so there. I'm hardly surprised Mr. Member was there at the posh address, frolicking at a homo-happening soiree in the first place, but most of (naïve) America will be startled, fer sure. It's all very snore-pie predictable.

As is Shellack Attack's latest man-romping move. I mean, many folks know Shellack's got a thing for the showier, naughtier boys--despite S.A.'s heart o' gold appeal. And this latest romance Ms. A.'s so very visibly involved in is hardly the surprise in that regard. But it should be. That's because sexy Shellack has finally found herself a man who has a bigger appetite for sno-cones, powder-style, than she does. And that's sayin' somethin'! Oy. Can't you infamous types out there please come up with some new Vices, besides drugs and dalliances? Can't somebody steal a script that results in an Academy Award from their best friend anymore? I mean, that's, like, what, a hundred years ago already, isn't it? 

And it ain't: Bart Simpson/Paula Abdul; Ashlee Simpson/Randy Jackson; Jessica Simpson/Simon Cowell

Meatless Member:
  • Eliminated: Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, Paula Abadul, Carrot Top, Ty Pennington 

  • Top suspect in 2006 was Ryan Seacrest, but since then Ted has told us that he was never a BV.  Also Clay Aiken, Dane Cook were top guesses.  So.... ???

Shellack Attack:
  • Eliminated as of 7/30/11: Jessica Simpson, Ashlee Simpson, Bart Simpson, Mandy Moore, Denise Richards, Miley Cyrus, Eva Longoria, Kim Kardashian, Vivica A. Fox, Salma Hayek, Sofia Vergara, Beyonce Knowles, Julianne Hough, Cameron Diaz, Halle Berry, Jenny McCarthy, Christina Aguilera, Jenna Jameson, Rachel McAdams,Hayden Panettierre, Brooklyn Decker, Katy Perry, Kristin Cavallari
  • Top suspects: In 2006, was Heather Locklear; Also Natalie Portman, Pamela Anderson.  But now none of them seem to fit too well with the new BV from 2011. So... ???

See the label below for our post on the new Shellack Attack BV from May 2011.


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34 comments:

  1. blurry viceMay 4, 2011 at 4:16 PM

    "Dear Ted:
    Is Shellack Attack from Two Old-School Blind Vices Mandy Moore?
    Marcia Teixeira
    São Paulo, Brazil

    Dear Deluded:
    Not even close, hon! Think older and less squeaky-clean."

    "Dear Ted:
    Maybe Shellack Attack is Denise Richards? Please tell me I'm right!?
    Rachel Rizzuto
    Fort Collins

    Dear Hopeful:
    Fort Collins what, hon? Sounds like something near a shopping mall or a Starbucks Kevin Federline would litter with cigarette butts. Regardless, you're getting very warm...ain't Denise, but you're sniffin' around the right nabe."

    "Dear Ted:
    I'll take a crack at Meatless Member from Two Old-School Blind Vices--I think it's Ty Pennington. He has a sweet smile and a great body and all that personality he's giving off...maybe he's making up for what's lacking elsewhere?
    Tiff

    Dear Sausage Snoop:
    Very warm but no cigar--or carrot, as it were. Think less visible, less vampy, less handsome...damn, less everything."

    ReplyDelete
  2. blurry viceMay 4, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    "Dear Ted:
    Meatless Member from Two Old-School Blind Vices thingy is Carrot Top.
    L.E.
    Dallas

    Dear Veggie-on-the-Brain:
    Wouldn't that be too perf? But nah, it ain't Carrot Top. Think less built, more bubbly."

    ReplyDelete
  3. blurry viceMay 4, 2011 at 4:20 PM

    If people think this is now ScarJo, remember Ted said she was never a BV. So sinc ethis is from 2006, can not be her unless he forgot about this one.

    ReplyDelete
  4. PrincessTiffMay 4, 2011 at 5:21 PM

    I'm baffled that someone guessed Carrot Top after the description "nice face" and "sweet smile." Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jackie DuPlanteMay 4, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jackie DuPlanteMay 4, 2011 at 7:37 PM

    Jennifer Love Hewitt and her boyfriend just broke up (perhaps because he found out she was cheating?), she was dating someone in 2006 and she is curvy. Perhaps she could be considered for Shellack Attack.
    And for Meatless Member, Clay Aiken keeps coming to mind. He is okay looking, and it would only surprise naive Americans if he was at a gay party.

    ReplyDelete
  7. JennyMay 4, 2011 at 9:21 PM

    The der vice made me think of Winona Ryder....but it doesn't fit the new one.....Sandy B?

    ReplyDelete
  8. JennyMay 4, 2011 at 9:24 PM

    Bah. Neither fits the new one...unless the new A-list romance isn't public yet?

    ReplyDelete
  9. UnknownMay 4, 2011 at 10:35 PM

    I think Cameron Diaz. She seems very publicly whipped by A-Rod who is A-list in sports, but also talks about how open and "like a guy" she is. "Making waves" as in surfing. Unless she's already been a BV?

    ReplyDelete
  10. AhemMay 4, 2011 at 10:55 PM

    someone should mentioned the old bv to him and ask if 2006 shellack is the same 2011 shellack. we have this same issue with princess powder puff too.

    ReplyDelete
  11. CassiopeiaMay 5, 2011 at 9:29 AM

    Today Ted says that Shellack does not have an accent, unless you count "truck driver"...and that Sofia Vargera is not Shellack as Shellack has a totally different persona and a different hair color.

    So Shellack is most likely a blonde.
    The "truck driver" comment has to be a clue...like she has a potty mouth. I still think it's Scarlett, hasn't she been known to swear quite a bit?

    ReplyDelete
  12. RitaMay 5, 2011 at 10:16 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AnonymousMay 5, 2011 at 3:10 PM

    You guys are all on about Shellack, but how is Dane Cook a good guess for M.M.? Definitely decent arms, but...does he go to "gay soirées"? Sounds more like Taylor to me. Perhaps Tay is not Parrish after all!

    ReplyDelete
  14. PrincessTiffMay 5, 2011 at 3:20 PM

    I like both guesses (ignoring that Taylor is likely Parrish), but I don't know that either would be considered a "boob-tube" star. Plus, I don't think anyone knew or cared who Taylor was in 2006 (not to mention he would have been 14 at the time. Lol.) Dane might be a good guess, but I'm gonna need more convincing since I have a bit of a crush on him. :)

    How about Mario Lopez?

    ReplyDelete
  15. PrufrockMay 5, 2011 at 9:18 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Cecilia00May 6, 2011 at 9:09 AM

    Ted eliminated Cameron Diaz this morning. I wonder if Pam Anderson fits...

    ReplyDelete
  17. CassiopeiaMay 6, 2011 at 3:42 PM

    Pam is too old.

    ReplyDelete
  18. BobbiMay 6, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    WTF? Native Americans? Really?
    You're just not right, you probably own the entire "boxed" Atkin Collection. :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. BobbiMay 6, 2011 at 5:45 PM

    1st time poster...exciting!

    ReplyDelete
  20. UnknownMay 7, 2011 at 9:57 AM

    @Bobbi: the poster said "naïve americans", not native americans - I did a double take at that too! :)
    So hmmm... what about all the Simpson refs in the AIAs? Any potential there?

    ReplyDelete
  21. blurry viceMay 7, 2011 at 11:54 PM

    To those guessing Taylor Lautner and Julianne Hough - this BV was written in 2006! Also, it is simply stated in the BV who the top guesses were AT THAT TIME - meaning in 2006. For a CURRENT discussion on the NEW BV from 2011, you can discuss that in that post's comments.

    ReplyDelete
  22. UnknownMay 9, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    A pretty random guess here, but what about Brooklyn Decker? (Not sure if Andy Roddick counts as Alist, but I can't imagine he's be happy about his missus with another fella)
    Her first Sports Illustrated was 2006, and she also did a 'swim' campaign for Victoria Secret 'making waves'
    And she's more famous for being a model, but has had quite a few acting roles, the Adam Sandler film, Ugly Betty etc...
    My one problem is she might be a bit too young.

    ReplyDelete
  23. UnknownMay 9, 2011 at 6:53 PM

    Oh, and that's boyfriend, not husband.
    Darn, back to the drawing board.

    ReplyDelete
  24. SrslyMay 10, 2011 at 5:04 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  25. SrslyMay 10, 2011 at 5:05 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  26. UnknownMay 10, 2011 at 11:33 PM

    By George, I've got it! Britney Spears!

    Does Jason Trawick count as A-list?? lol

    ReplyDelete
  27. DorothyMay 11, 2011 at 1:19 AM

    Who's close to Jenny McCarthy??????

    ReplyDelete
  28. AnonymousMay 11, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    I'm thinking someone from Playboy like the Girls Next Door. Holly Madison?

    ReplyDelete
  29. EnglishBarbMay 12, 2011 at 3:36 PM

    Ted has said in a recent bitch-back that Shellack is in her later 30's with blonde hair???

    ReplyDelete
  30. Sass-afrasMay 16, 2011 at 11:54 AM

    Definitely think this is Chelsea Handler; she's the only one that fits. Bad dye job, "trucker"-like potty mouth, funny and engaging like Jenny McCarthy, not an actress or singer, but definitely known. She's also in a "serious" relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  31. UnknownMay 16, 2011 at 2:35 PM

    I also think its Chelsea HANDLER: Shellack supposely dumped the 2nd plebian guy (Andre Balazs?) and is w/ the famous partner (50 cent (really??)?).

    Could fit.. she seems to have become a star climber...

    ReplyDelete
  32. NinaMay 16, 2011 at 5:38 PM

    Jennifer aniston!! Heart of gold appeal, thing for showier naughty boys (take one look at John Mayer). Reference to friend.

    ReplyDelete
  33. blurry viceMay 18, 2011 at 10:31 PM

    "
    Dear Ted:
    Love your blolumn and I know you're busy so I'll keep it short. Hayden Panettiere for Shellack Attack—it would fit as she just broke up with her older man

    recently. Thoughts?
    —Valerie

    Dear Great Guess:
    So close, yet not quite there, sweets...yet. Think of an older, less traditional celebrity.

    Dear Ted:
    I am loving the morning and afternoon Bitch-Backs, but I am worried about you being up at 3:30 in the morning! You need some well deserved sleep babe! Is

    there any chance Shellack Attack is the one and only Brooklyn Decker?
    —Annie

    Dear Shell Shock:
    Gossip never sleeps, sweet-puss! Not a bad guess for naughty miss Shelly, but you're a bit off. Shelly doesn't rely on her looks nearly as much as Brooklyn

    does.
    "

    ReplyDelete
  34. blurry viceJuly 30, 2011 at 6:33 PM

    "Dear Ted:
    You said Kristin Cavallari has a Blind Vice and that might be why her engagement didn't work out. So I think I might know which Vice she is. Is she Shellack

    Attack?
    —Mimi

    Dear Bride T.B.D.:
    Yes K.Cav is most definitely a recent member of our Blind Vice fam, but she is not Shelly. She's a tag-team Vice with hubby-no-more Jay Cutler, if that helps

    you narrow down the suspects."

    ReplyDelete

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