One Homo-Handed Blind Vice - November 9, 2006
Oh, let's not talk about Farley Soosh-Spurn, he's so, well, obvious about his boyish activities round T-Town—even I've seen him picking up handsome chaps whose pupils are dazzled by Mr. S.S's celebrity (and certainly not by Far's dubious mug). Yawn, whatev. So reminds me of bubbly
blond chicks kissing up to dog-meat producers aged enough to be their grandfathers, old story in T-Town.
Far more fetching a tale would involve all kank-ee things Whip-Me Mendelson. Whip, mind you,is known for the utter antithesis of his Christian name and then some. Yep, Whip's made a fairly lucrative career of exploring the rather dorky side of various arts—and getting quasi-decent reviews in the process. Like, what is it about nerds that sends the world all atwitter, like gals get round rock stars? Never understood that nebbish dynamic, but that's not what we're here to discuss.
Nope, that would, instead, be chains, anal balls, shaving from the neck down with electric pin shocks inserted into one's scrotum, à la acupuncture and sundry other S&M treats Mr. Mendelson
Recently, Whip's been in the news, his b-f less so. But what nobody's been picking up is the dish involving Whip and a veddy famous reclusice celeb with whom W.M.M. continues to have a master-slave thang goin' down 'tween the sheets.
Three guesses who's the rump-slave in distress and who's Mr. Punisher.
Now, that's a press release I want to see.
People mag, I friggin' dare ya! has also developed a reputation for—off-camera (far, far off). And it gets better:
And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Michael J Fox , Matthew Broderick
Also eliminated: Dominic Monaghan, George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Hayden Christensen, Chris Klein, Topher Grace
Top suspect: Elijah Wood
ELIMS:
ReplyDeleteDear Ted:
I think I've got this one! Is Whip-Me Mendelson from One Homo-Handed Blind Vice really Dominic Monaghan? Please don't let the "veddy famous reclusive celeb" be Viggo Mortensen. This would wreck my fantasy life. Tell me it ain't so!
Viggo Fan
Milwaukee
Dear Hobbit Horny:
You’re safe, the lovers ain’t D. and V. Think so much less attractive, it’s a crime, I’m sorry to report.
Dear Ted:
Would just lurve it too much if One Homo-Handed Blind Vice was all about Rummy and Dubya! (P.S. Not as much as I love the column, though.)
Taia
Vienna, West Virginia
Dear White House Wonderer:
Too funny, honey, but it ain’t that terrible twosome. If it was them, though, Rummy would be the punisher, don’t you think? I do.
Dear Ted:
Congratulations on one spectacular Blind Vice last week. My guess for W.M.M. is Hayden Christensen. You describe his career to a tee, but I'm not sure if he has been in the news lately.
Jennifer
Charleston, Illinois
Dear Dubious:
Thanks for the naughty kudos, doll, but the leather accoutrement required for boy-on-boy nooky play is not preferred by Mr. C., at least as far as I know. Think diff league in the career arena, not to mention looks-wise. Similar coifs, though.
Dear Ted:
Whip-Me Mendelson has to be Tobey Maguire. You rock!
Richard
Seattle
Dear Spidey Sense:
Thanks, but it ain’t the diminutive superhero. Similar genre, though, 9-to-5-wise, just on a much smaller scale.
Dear Ted:
Hope you had a restful Thanksgiving. It's now Christmas season, a time for giving. So, I'm hoping you'll give out more hints as to the identity of Whip-Me Mendelson, of One Homo-Handed Blind Vice fame. Since we now know that Katie Holmes is pretty comfortable, I have to wonder if Chris Klein isn't Whip-Me. But others are saying it's Topher Grace. Is either guess right? If not, can we have more clues? Like a date of birth, or what type of car Whip-Me drives? Thanks.
S.A.V.
Milwaukee
Dear Xmas Isn't Coming Early:
Nice try there, Midwest. You're actually closer with Chris than with Toph-doll, though neither nerd-esque thesp is correct-a-roonie. Think as successful as the former and as unhumpable as the latter.
Oooh, this is a good one!
ReplyDeleteElijah was majorly rumored to be dating Dominic at the time, right? And would either FSS or Mr. Punisher be Kevin Spacey?
The only clues I'm having trouble with are that I don't think I'd say Elijah is less attractive than Dom, and Elijah seems far more successful than Chris Klein. E's been acting since forever, while C basically only had American Pie.
Something clicked in me in regard to Ted's normal timing of blinds and him striking while the iron is hot, combined with the "similar genre, though, 9-to-5-wise, just on a much smaller scale" statement in re Tobey Maguire.
ReplyDeleteSmaller-scale...superheroes...gee, what was the hottest topic of discussion in autumn 2006? The newly-premiered Heroes. Definitely a target for Ted, as we've seen more recently with True Blood and Vampire Diaries.
Therefore, I will posit Milo Ventimiglia. I still believe that Elijah Wood is Grimy Gus.
I took the much-smaller-scale comment as a nod to Elijah being one of the teeny hobbits in Lord of the Rings.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking superhero/comic with a reference to Sin City, as I tried to put Elijah in this BV. But Spie, oh how I love Elijah for GG. I am going to attempt to find another viable candidate!
ReplyDeletethe "antitheses of his christian name" clue made me think EW instantly
ReplyDeleteThe Christian name part could either mean a name from the Bible (although technically names from the OT, like Elijah, tend to be classified more Jewish than Christian) or just his first name. "Christian name" or "given name" is just a term to distinguish from your surname/last name.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought it was weird that in the phrasing of the blind, Ted appears to be saying that being dorky/nerdy is the opposite of his name. Am I reading that right?
PS blurry, if you're taking Vintage requests, can you post One Vainglorious Vice (Probe Light)? I think it's John Mayer and want to debate that vs Super Duper Cooper.
ReplyDeleteElijah Wood and Ian McKellen
ReplyDeleteFrodo and Gandalf?
ReplyDeleteI think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
I would think if it involved Ian, Ted would have made mention of the age difference somehow.
I thought he did - "aged enough to be their grandfathers"; "Far's dubious mug"....
ReplyDeleteYet again I'm having trouble with Ted Speak. Is the consensus that the 'veddy famous reclusice (sic) celeb' is Farley Soosh- Spurn, or another person entirely?
ReplyDeleteIm going to agree that EW seems percect for this, but hes also perfect for Grimy Gus! The hard part with the vintage bvs is remembering who was really popular at the time. Is there a way to go back through the bitch-backs and see if EW was confirmed as a bv and have that help with the timing for this or GG? I didn't check again in GG to see if that was there...
ReplyDeleteYeah, the reason I didn't think Ted made mention of the age-difference is because it doesn't seem like Farley Soosh-Spurn and Mendelson's BF are the same person. But maybe I'm totally misreading Ted speak.
ReplyDeleteroseyf - yes i will hunt that one down. i know he was suspected of that one too , until he told us about the one nickname thing.
ReplyDeleteI forgot that Elijah was a suspect for Grimy Gus. Well, he can't be both.
Ted has said that one of the four hobbits was a bv.
Blurry: Remember the important caveat to that: at the time, Ted's statement that no cast member of Lost was a BV still applied. Therefore, one of the Hobbits other than Monaghan was a BV.
ReplyDeleteThat's the only mention of the possibility of Wood being a BV. But if you think about it logically, he has to be who Ted is alluding to. Sean Astin is a pretty dull guy from a gossip standpoint, and Billy Boyd is very, very low-key. But I still think his BV is Grimy Gus, and I'm really hoping that it is, for obvious reasons of trust.
I don't know why, but I thought this was Criss Angel. Huh, weird. I think Elijah's a good guess, but I thought he was Grimy Gus.
ReplyDeleteAre there words missing here?
ReplyDelete"People mag, I friggin' dare ya! has also developed a reputation for—off-camera (far, far off). And it gets better: ..." ?
In this line:
"veddy famous reclusice celeb"
Ted has spelt reclusive wrong, which just adds to the general confusion of the piece, but I think the 'veddy' is either a reference to someone Indian or with some Indian ethnicity or it's someone from the upper classes of England; these folk pronounce 'very' as 'veddy'. It's a quick roll of the tongue thing, think Judi Dench-type speech. So this would tie in with my Ian McK guess.
I think the first part about Farley is a hint about Whip Me's man.
That's my thinking anyway.
Hee hee Clancy your guess is a crack-up! So wrong but it sure puts a different perspective on the movies! Roseyf I'd never heard that rumour about Wood & Dominic. Wood & Astin looked more suss to me....or maybe it was just the way the Sam & Frodo relationship played on screen.
ReplyDeleteInteresting thing in the Bitch-Back today that eliminates Ian for having a moniker in this...
ReplyDeleteTed said out of the 9 actors in the LOTR fellowship, "no more than half" have been BV's. So, five can't have BV's because that would be more than half of 9.
We know Viggo, Orlando, and Dom are BV's. And before the Teddy O'Bong vice came out, Ted said one of the hobbits had a vice. As Spie said, that would have to be Elijah.
So our 4 LOTR vicers are Viggo, Orlando, Dom and Elijah. And there can't be a fifth from the fellowship.
HeatherP, can you pls post the link to the Bitch-Backs?
ReplyDeleteDear Ted:
ReplyDeleteYour column makes the day so much more interesting. With the cast of Lord of the Rings recently featured on EW, I just have to ask, how many of those nine yummy actors have been Blind Vices?
—Nikki
Dear Frodophile:
No more than half.
Read more: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/b207111_bitch-back_not-so-sexy_glee_sound_off.html#ixzz13TEo1pLd
Thanks Heather. I've tried to find Ted's forum thingy a couple of times and could never locate it, prob gave up too soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks a bunch.
Clancy: Ted doesn't have a specific forum per se. Each item in the Awful Truth section of the E! website has its own reply section, like the items here. Just look after each article for the user replies.
ReplyDelete88: Criss Angel is an awesome guess. Is Ted saying Whip is an actor though? Its kind of hard to follow his answers but, if he isn't, Criss fits this pretty well.
ReplyDeleteWith dates in hand, I think I'm going to subject Dom to the usual treatment. Thank God he's not married, because there's fourteen months worth of BVs to consider.
ReplyDeleteI can't understand how this could be Elijah Wood, when Ted directly says the culprit in question is "diff league in the career arena" to Hayden Christensen - in the years before 2006 in huge fantasy action film franchise (Star Wars), just like Elijah Wood (LOTR). And "as succesful" to Chris Klein (1 hit and then obscurity..?) And "Similar genre, though, 9-to-5-wise, just on a much smaller scale" than Tobey Maguire - LOTR hardly was smaller scale than Spiderman...?
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm interpreting him having the same career as HC and TM, but less successful - so film actor in smaller films or smaller parts? Who has dabbled in something else too: "Whip's made a fairly lucrative career of exploring the rather dorky side of various arts—and getting quasi-decent reviews in the process." A comic? Musician? With similar hair to HC (blond? Short and curly?). And: "known for the utter antithesis of his Christian name and then some." - like roseyf, I'm also thinking his real (first?) name is quite "butch", un-nerdy?
Looking at the AIA's, it sprung to mind that Michael J Fox and Matthew Broderick both became famous in 80's as cool guys in huge teen hits - Back to the Future and Ferris Bueller's Day Off... And they were both in the 20's playing teenagers, like Tobey Maguire in Spiderman... Not sure if that means anything :) But it makes me think perhaps of the American Pie type of films - Jason Biggs? (His surname maybe being the "anti-thesis"?) Would Ted describe him "as unhumpable" as Topher Grace? Hmmm...
Classical composer Felix Mendelsson wrote an oratorio called "Elijah."
ReplyDelete"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteJust started watching Wilfred and totally love its quirkiness. Elijah Wood seems to stay below the gossip-radar. Is he as nice and squeaky clean as he seems?
—Jen
Dear Wondering About Wood:
No.
"
"Dear Ted:
ReplyDeleteJust finished 50 Shades of Grey and couldn't help but wonder if there is a Blind Vicer that is similar to the Christian character. Do any of your BV stars
have a red room of pain-like Vice? If that even qualifies as a Vice in Hollywood?
—Reader of Mommy Porn
Dear Ball Gag Me:
Hmm. There are plenty of Vicers into some bizarro bedroom. But why don't you revist Whip-Me Mendelson for your par-tick brand of entertainment."
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