One Lard-Sass Blind Vice

Happy 4th of July! Here's Ted's latest blind vice...

Lead-ins

Red, White, n' Stew
Our coke-stoked sex-a-luscious Blind Vice today is big, bad
and burly—can you guess who our stupid mystery man is? (Betcha can!)

Snackin' n' Snortin' with the Stars
Porta-Potbelly's got a craving for candy—the regular gumdrop variety, as well as the
sweet stuff that goes in your schnoz. Good thing his latest projects have
propelled him into the limelight—and into a lotta ladies' laps. It's also shot
him right into our Blind Vice alley of dubious
behavior. Welcome, P.P.!

One Lard-Sass Blind Vice

So, Porta-Potbelly hit it big. In every way. Dude's not
only got debatable mirthful acting abilities, but a frame that's rather
oversized, not exactly the prettiest pic in Hollywood, an enclave built almost
entirely around how you look. So, P.P. can be forgiven, one
supposes, if he hits clubs and parties and chooses to let his fame do the
seducing, as Size-0 God knows, P.P. wouldn't stand a chance in Hades with these
glittering gaga chicks were he not famous. Just like with the rockers, ya know,
same principle precisely. (And if you don't believe me here, just look at the
ugly-butt who's the latest entry into the Paris Hilton School of Sex Tapes,
Mini-Me Verne Troyer.)
And there P2 is, hitting up dive bar after dive bar in
H-town, with his almost-equally famous dork-butt amigo. Porta moves right in on
three chicks he desires to have directly beneath his quivering, jiggly
flesh—only problem, he can't decide which one! Perhaps this is why Porta pulls
out the blow, to help him hone a plan, who the ef knows. Or maybe it's to
impress the babes, who, trust, are already majorly taken with the Big
Star.
Porta's clearly a man who's new to ruling this kind of scenester
debauchery, as he broke Rules No. 1 (Let them come to you), No. 2 (Do your blow
in the stall, just like the rest of T-town does), and, most importantly, No. 3
(Seduce and select them all, not just one, you dimwit). And like the horny moron
he is, Mr. Potbelly wiped his schnoz, told the one babe he preferred to move
it—and back to his chic, artist-like Hell-Ay residence they hightailed
it.
Uh, what I want to know is why the hell these babes do it. Is possibly
getting smothered by an arguably gifted ape with a most challenging coiffure
really worth the 15 minutes of infamy it's going to afford you? Nevermind,
ladies, I already know the answer. Forgive me for even asking, that was the
dumberest thing I've done all week.

And it ain't: Tyler Perry, Brandon Davis, Jorge Garcia

* Update 7/15 - Not Jack Black, Horatio Sanz, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill.

Our top suspect: Seth Rogen,

Post your guess in a comment!